


What Kind of People We Are

by What_we_are



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Age Difference, Awkward Romance, Canon-Typical Violence, Coming Out, Consensual, F/M, Falling In Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mood Swings, Pining, Scars, Sexual Content, Sneaking Around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-01-24 20:50:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1616615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_we_are/pseuds/What_we_are
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesse returns from Mexico with confusing new feelings for Mike.</p><p>Canon compliant up to the end of S5 E7 Say My Name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Perverted

Jesse wanted Gus to pass out so he could go back and be with Mike in the medical tent. He looked back and could still see the building Mike was in. Even though he was thirsty he didn't take the water out of his backpack. Gus kept walking step after step towards Texas and Jesse followed. It was like a game of chicken, seeing who would need water first. He tried to keep his mind blank just in case Gus looked back at him and read his expression.

He couldn't keep his mind blank. Now that Gus was awake and they were out in the sunshine, Jesse could tell he’d made a mistake.

He had held Mike’s hand. The doctors all saw it. Maybe that’s what Doctor Goodman was saying to Gus before they left, “Watch out. Your cook is totally homo for your head of security. That gaywad wanted me to save the old man and leave you in the car to die.”

They’d probably gone a mile before the boss stopped and asked for water. Jesse tried to look like he was just hot and tired, nothing else. If anybody could read minds it was Gus. Jesse took off the backpack and handed him a bottle.

God, it was hot. If Gus could “send someone” for Mike, why couldn't he send someone for himself? Or why couldn't they wait a day and start earlier before it got so fucking hot out? That way he could have been there when Mike woke up.

One foot in front of the other.

These Mike feelings had to be a temporary insanity. This was a stressful trip and some of his wires had gotten crossed. He wasn't heartsick. He just wanted his friend to survive. He had lost a lot of people and he didn't want to lose Mike. By the time Mike was back at work, Jesse’s head would be right.

Hopefully if Mike remembered the hand holding he’d understand that it was just because it was an emergency medical situation. Then again, Jesse had been hospitalized a couple of times and no one had ever held his hand. If he had been the one bleeding all over the place, would Mike do it? He couldn't imagine it, especially not for the hours after the surgery, just waiting for him to wake up. Maybe he would do it while they were waiting for help and waiting for the drip anesthesia to kick in, but he would have let go by the time Jesse passed out and the doctor started digging around for the bullet.

When he saw the black SUV, he looked to Gus to confirm that it wasn't a mirage. Gus looked like he needed confirmation too. One of the white goons met them with cold bottles of water and granola bars. Jesse dozed off in the back and didn't wake up until they exited the highway. Gus turned in the passenger seat to address him. It was creepy that he knew right when Jesse woke up.

“Kevin will take you to your house so you can clean up and change your clothes. There is one other task we have left to do.”

“Right now?”

“Yes. It will not take long.”

* * *

 

 

While Jesse was upstairs in the shower, the goon laid on the horn. Apparently being the cook didn't mean he could just do the one job that he was paid to do and have the rest of his time to himself. His success in the cartel lab didn’t matter. He still had to get in the car that was parked in front of his house. He had to go find Gus in an old folk’s home even though he had no idea why.

When he saw Tio and heard what Gus was saying he knew that he was there as a prop. He was a visual aid like the necklace. Gus pointed at him and said what he did at a normal volume that people could have overheard. He made it sound like Jesse had known what was going on.

Would it have killed Gus to give him a heads up about this whole soap opera scene? There were tactical reasons to leave him in the dark about the Juarez plan, but how did having Jesse look surprised and uncomfortable in the old folk’s home help anything. Tio would have been devastated either way.

Once he was home and the musclehead had driven away, Jesse flopped on his futon and wished he could still smoke pot. He only had a few hours before they wanted him at the laundry. He couldn’t be tough all the time like this. He needed breaks.

He splayed out, put an arm over his eyes, and missed Mike, just fell into the well of missing him. In his head, Mike said over and over, “I promise you this – either all of us are going home, or none of us are.”

He wished he had it recorded like he’d had Jane’s voice mail greeting. That was a terrible thing to think. Mike wasn't going to die. He’d be back in a week. They’d have plenty more conversations. They could still go out to eat even though Jesse might not have time to help with the pick-ups anymore.

He wasn't so delusional that he thought it could actually happen with Mike. Mike wasn't that way. He might not be any way. He had a granddaughter, so he may have been married. It was hard to imagine him married. He was so pessimistic about that stuff. He acted like it had never affected him. Being a cop and a P.I. had made him look down on it, like he looked down on drug use. He thought there was a place for loyalty but even that should be tempered by reason. Jesse knew that he was just guessing. Maybe Mike banged mad chicks. Maybe he still had a wife. No, he talked about Kaylee. He would have mentioned a wife by now. He could be loyal to a dead wife.

The only thing Jesse knew for sure was that when Mike said he wouldn't leave him in Mexico he had meant it as business, friendship at the most. Just because Jesse got all mushy inside over it didn’t mean that Mike meant it that way. The words themselves weren't romantic. He had included Gus in it. It was about the team not the two of them.

It didn't matter. Jesse couldn't reason with himself. A switch had gotten flipped at that cartel pool party. It wasn’t until that moment that he actually looked at the guy. He wished he was still in the plastic tent looking at him now instead of having a pity party on the couch. He needed keep the homo shit to himself and be supportive.

He dialed Mike’s number and it went straight to voice-mail. The only other thing he could do was call Gus and ask for the doctor’s number. That was too desperate, too suspicious.

* * *

 

 

Waffle House lighting did not flatter Wendy. Or maybe she’d always looked this way and he was just noticing it now. She had a bruise on her arm. They both said yes to coffee and once the waitress was gone Jesse asked about it. "What’s the deal there? That wasn’t the manager was it?”

“No Steve’s cool. I don’t pay rent anymore. I’ll have enough money to go out to Phoenix pretty soon.”

“That’s cool. Patrick’s still out there?”

“Yeah, with my Jesus freak sister.”

Wendy ordered a waffle with strawberries. Jesse ordered country hashbrowns.

Mike might be awake by now. He was so tough he was probably up drinking beer and doing a crossword in Mexican. Jesse had to keep himself in check and stay focused on Wendy’s story about her kid.

“ . . . soccer team. He scored a goal last week. I guess it was a big deal because at first the coach didn’t think he was very good.”

“That’s cool. My little brother plays soccer too. My parents won’t let him play football though. They don’t want him to get a concussion on his above average brain.”

The dark purple bruise drew his attention again. “So, who hurt your arm?”

Wendy shrugged. “Just some asshole in a blue Escalade. I got him worse, punched him in the nuts so hard that the puked.”

“That’s good at least.”

“Do you want me to ask about your face?”

“No. That’s okay.”

“Can you still get the blue?”

“I don’t have that hook-up anymore. Sorry,”

Wendy looked disappointed. “I’m cutting down soon anyway.”

Jesse nodded and drank his bad coffee. All coffee was bitter compared to Gale’s. The Waffle House stuff was not worth drinking, but it was hot and gave him something to do with his hands. He added a lot of sugar. They talked about acquaintances and local gossip. The food came and they ate.

“Jesse, I know it’s been awhile, but we can go back to my room after this. Just for fun. I know you’re going to meetings and everything.”

“Thanks, but I’m actually, I think I have the hots for a guy.”

He was offended that she didn’t choke on her waffle or gasp in shock.

Jesse went on, “It’s not like this particular guy is a possibility, but I’ve been thinking I might be gay or part gay or something. I wanted to talk to you about it because you’re open-minded about stuff.”

“I could see that. You seem like the kinda guy who could go both ways. My one piece of advice is for your first couple of blowjobs, keep your hand around his dick, so you can control how much of it goes in your mouth. On your first try just think of it as a hand job with only the head in your mouth. And don’t let anybody near your ass unless you really trust them.”

Jesse’s eyes widened and he looked behind him to make sure the waitress hadn’t heard. The only other customers were on the other side of the room.

“That’s more detailed than I was . . . I haven’t ever even kissed a dude. I’m just, like, talking about the idea.”

“How do you know he’s not possible? Most of the guys who hire a man – they all have wives and kids. You can’t always tell. Maybe he’d be into it. You are super cute. Do you want a bite of this?”

“Sure. You want in on this sausage and gravy potato pile?”

“Yeah, sure. I didn’t really eat today.”

“You should Wendy.”

“I know. It’s not a big deal. I just forget sometimes. If you wanna try it out, I could introduce you to this guy that just moved in downstairs.”

Jesse realized she was talking about dick. This had gotten way off track.

“No. I don’t want a pro. I’m just asking you if you think that it’s okay. You think it’d be okay if I was gay?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

That was hard to put his finger on. It was everything. His parents and Mr. White would freak out, but he didn’t talk to them anymore. His friends would probably be weird about it. His street cred would be lower than ever. His employers wouldn't respect him anymore. Andrea and Brock would be out of his life. He didn’t know what to say that would convince Wendy that it was a big deal. 

“What if your son turned out to be gay? You’re totally accepting?”

“Patrick’s not gay. He got on computer restriction a month ago for looking at porn. I’m sure she would have said if it was gay.”

“Okay. But if he was, you’d be cool with it.”

“I don’t know. If you’re not going to do anything about it anyway what’s the big deal?”

She ate some waffle then added, “It’d be fine if Patrick was gay as long as nobody beat him up; and when he was older, you know, he used condoms. It’d be fine. And I think, well, you’ve probably done worse, Jesse. I mean that deal we were going to do last year. That was worse . . . with the hamburgers.”

“Yeah, Yeah, I knew what you meant. Jesus.”

“I’m just saying getting laid is nothing compared to that. Go with my neighbor Roger and see if you like it. Then you’ll know.”

Jesse just shook his head. 

“Are you in love with this guy?” Wendy didn't wait for him to think about it. “That’s a yes. Your face went blank like you were about to get hit by a car.”

“I have a girlfriend too. I've made everything all complicated.”

Wendy frowned for a second. “Just don’t tell her.”

He certainly had experience with lying to Andrea.

It felt shitty to drop Wendy off at the Palace even though he knew she could take care of herself.

* * *

 

 

The next day’s solo cook went fine. Gus called on the land line and said Mike was recovering on schedule. His vitals were strong and he woke up briefly.

* * *

 

 

Jesse was already in the middle of it when his thoughts turned to the older man. He remembered the time that Mike had woken him up to return his stolen bag of money. The fixer had flung back the covers and made him get up. Back then he didn't think of Mike that way, so he was annoyed, but he changed the memory. What if the man had pulled off the bedspread and knelt on the bed and kissed his body.

His hand was lubed and sliding his foreskin forward and back over the shaft. He started wondering about Mike’s dick and that thought led him to thinking about Mike’s naked chest which he’d only recently seen for the first time. It was attractive – strong, sturdy, covered in white hair that Jesse wanted to touch. He had large nipples for a man. It’s not like Jesse had got a hard-on in the hospital tent, but here he was thinking about it now.

It wasn't right to think about the injured man while he was doing this. He stroked a little faster thinking about sucking on Mike’s nipples. He remembered when Mike taught him how to shot. Not like he’d stood behind him and showed him exactly how to hold it or anything. That would have been so hot if he had. They could have kissed out there in the desert. There had been no one around for miles. Jesse had no idea what it would feel like to kiss Mike. He felt his own stubble with the inside of his wrist. In his fantasy it would feel good and Mike would be talking to him, “I love you, Kid. I’m going to keep you safe from now on. It’s okay. I have you now.”

Jesse imagined Mike’s mouth around his erection. He watched his own hand pick up speed. He closed his eyes said things out loud. “Oh Mike, that’s amazing, yes, so fucking good, in your mouth. Please. Suck it. Yes. Mike.”

His shoulders curled forward and his hips bucked. He paused for a second then gave himself what he needed and let go of all of it. Unconsciously he had the image of coming on Mike’s chest. His come hit the red sheets. He hadn’t done anything for a few days so there was a lot of it, and a little more with the aftershock. He watched it happen and imagined it splattering on white chest hair. It was perverted. He needed to see a therapist.

The pillows smelled like Andrea. God, he wanted to smoke pot.

* * *

 

 

He finally called Andrea back and everything was awesome at first. Brock ran in all pumped to see him and they drew superheroes while Andrea made dinner. She asked how he was doing, but she didn’t ask follow up questions about the faded bruises on his face or the broken shelf and lamp. She didn’t ask why he hadn’t gotten back to her in days. He wondered how different things would be if he wasn’t paying her bills.

It was such bullshit for Mr. White to knock on his door after he had specifically told him to never come back again. Plus Andrea’s car was parked right in front. Mr. White was always so paranoid about Jesse coming near his house or calling when his family was around, but when it came to Jesse’s family he’d just interrupt their evening with his craziness. He didn’t even have anything new to say. He didn’t apologize for bringing the DEA to the lab. He didn’t ask how the cook went in Mexico, or if Mike was okay. Maybe he didn’t know Mike got shot. He wouldn’t care.

When Jesse came back in he was so pissed he was shaky. Andrea asked him what was wrong, as if he had ever answered that question truthfully. He ignored her and looked through the window just in time to see Mr. White get tased in the gut. That was satisfying. Andrea had seen it too. He let the curtain fall shut.

“Who was that?”

“Nothing. Where’s Brock?”

“He’s in his room. I think I’m going to pack up and put him to bed at home.”

Jesse tried to lighten the mood. “You guys have to stay. I've been hyping up my huevos rancheros to him.”

Andrea wasn't going for it. “Those people out there. Did any of them have anything to do with my brother’s murder?”

“No. We can go to your place if you want, but I swear it’s safe here.”

Jesse used his blue eyes on her and she agreed to stay.

He had another beer and watched them play Mario go-cart. Brock got a sneaky look on his face every time he did a cheat code. Andrea concentrated, but she didn’t have the insider information that it took to win.

If he had a regular job, he would have told her that the international demonstration went great and he’d been promoted.

He still wouldn’t have mentioned Mike.

* * *

 

 

By himself was one thing. Thinking about Mike while he was inside his girlfriend was taking it too far. He opened his eyes and looked up at her with her bouncing dark curly hair and her tiny boobs. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open. Fast in cowgirl was doing it for her. Jesse closed his eyes and pictured Mike in that tent all healed up. Mike would wake up hard and ask Jesse to touch him. Jesse would climb on top of him and rub their bodies together. He started lifting his hips bucking into Andrea. 

She steadied herself with her hands on his pillow. Jesse pounded up into her and she met him. Her hair was falling on his face ruining the illusion that it was Mike on top of him using one of his big hands to keep their cocks sliding together. She fucked him down into the mattress and kept going until he filled the condom thinking about Mike’s hands.

* * *

 

 

Now that it was done, they had to torch the lab. There wasn’t any choice. He had made his bed when he told Saul where to find Gus.

When he thought about it as choice between Brock and Gus, it made sense. Even when he thought about it as a choice between Mr. White and Gus, it was okay. It wouldn’t make sense to Mike though.

When they got in Mr. White’s car the radio was still about the explosion at Casa Tranquila. Jesse realized he was glad to hear it for himself and know it wasn’t his ex-partner’s assumption or exaggeration. If they destroyed the lab and Gus was still alive . . . that was too terrible to consider. Three people dead had to mean that Tio had successfully blown up himself and Gus. Hopefully the third wasn’t a nurse or an old person, or a kid that was visiting his grandma or something.

How long ago had he told Andrea that he was on his way back to the hospital? Right after he left that message, he was kidnapped. That felt like it was days ago. Days and hours stopped making sense in hospital waiting rooms, police interrogation rooms, and subterranean super labs.

Mr. White agreed to drive him straight to the hospital and wait on the roof of the parking garage while he found out Brock’s status.

Berries? Mike would never speak to him again. Jesse couldn’t explain it to him without confessing that he’d carried around a ricin capsule with Gus’s name on it.

Mr. White was certain they’d done what they had to. Jesse couldn’t tell anymore. At least it was over and he could say goodbye to Mr. White for good. He could be done with the whole thing.

When he went back inside, Grandma gave him the evil eye. That woman had good instincts.

They were all watching kid’s TV together when Mr. White called.

“Jesse! Where did all that camera footage go?”

* * *

 

 


	2. Apologetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. It may be obvious that I’m new at this and don’t have a beta reader. Where do I connect with one? I’d be happy to beta for them in exchange.

Once Mr. White heard the world “magnet” he went off on all kinds of shit about the world’s strongest magnets and research stations and alternating currents and whatever. He was so wound up that it took a few minutes for Jesse to get another word in edgewise. He finally got to say, “What are you even talking about? I mean a magnet like a regular magnet, like the ones that pick up cars at the junk yard. Old Joe has one.”

Jesse called Joe and set up the meeting for first thing in the morning. Then Mr. White was gone and everything was chill. Mike finally sat down.

Mike would need a ride to wherever he lived. Or maybe his guys were still his guys even though the job and boss were blown up. Maybe he still had a phone full of people standing by to pick him up and take him places. Jesse considered offering him a ride. It was implied. If he’d carry him forty feet while getting covered in his blood, he’d give him a lift across town.

Mike was here in his house with him and he wasn’t sure what to say. He thought about joking how he’d “redecorated” by painting over the graffiti and clearing out the meth-heads. The joke was too loaded. He wished there was a way to say that he was sorry for ruining Mike’s professional life and putting him in legal peril.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Water.”

Mike took his antibiotics and pain killers and set the empty glass on the coffee table next to the beer bottles and game cases.

“Thank you.”

“Are you supposed to take those with food? I could make you something.” Mike didn’t answer immediately so Jesse went on, “I have frozen lasagna or we could order pizza. I could run down to Loyola’s and get something to go. I also have popsicles and a couple kinds of cereal.”

“Thanks Kid. Lasagna sounds good. If we’re staying in town, I have to make some calls.”

Jesse hopped up. It was good to have something to do. He put the food in the microwave and tidied the kitchen just to stay out of Mike’s way. He caught some of it when he brought out the food.

“. . . It doesn’t matter. It’s done. . . . No one’s coming after you Lydia. I’m hanging up now.”

They sat on the futon side by side. There was a table and chairs in the dining room now, but he didn’t want to make Mike walk. The man looked like he might fall asleep before he finished eating. They didn’t talk. Jesse was reminded of when Mike shared his food with him because he was sick and shaky with withdrawal. He wondered how bad Mike’s pain was. When they were done Jesse took away the empty plates and cleaned the coffee table.

Mike admitted, “You were right about eating. I feel a little sick from taking the pills before the food. And this fucking situation . . .”

He started untucking his shirt to get to the wound. It obviously hurt him to move, so Jesse helped. It wasn’t going to be enough to pull the shirt up, it had to be unbuttoned. Mike didn’t protest when Jesse went down the whole front of his shirt unfastening every single button. Jesse knelt on the wood floor and kept his eyes on the buttons instead of Mike’s face. Mike had his hands to the sides and let the younger man take care of him. Jesse worried that he was blushing and in the next breath he worried that he’d throw up if the bullet hole looked anything like it had before. The wound was covered with a bandage of course, but the bandage was red almost to the edges.

“Are you good, Kid? You look a little green around the gills.”

“I’m okay. How are you?”

Mike ignored the question and asked his own. “Do you have a first aid kit?”

He went and got it. There were so many different little packets inside. He picked up a wrapped hunk of gauze and said, “This is the stuff right? And there’s tape. We’ll need that. There’s all kinds of ointment and stuff. It says something about burns, minor lacerations. Yo, Mike, it doesn't say anything about gunshot wounds on any of these.”

Mike was asleep. Jesse put his hand on the man’s leg and said “Hey.”

“Hey.” Mike answered. He looked exhausted but coherent.

“I can fold this out and get you some blankets. Maybe we can do this medical stuff tomorrow morning before we head out huh?”

Mike nodded then said, “No, I’m supposed to change it twice a day. I have to wash my hands. There’s a bathroom on this floor, right?”

“Yeah. Do you want some comfortable clothes to sleep in?”

“No, I’ll be fine, but it’d be good if I could stay here.” Mike braced himself on Jesse to get up.

Jesse ran upstairs and got some bright blue sheets and pillow cases out of the hall cupboard. He took the pillows off his bed. On the second trip he grabbed his comforter. He had the futon all set up when Mike came back with his shirt in his hand.

Jesse helped him ease onto the edge of the mattress.

“This is nice, Kid. Your sheets are always primary colors. I like these ones the best.”

Jesse thought he was talking gibberish.

“So this is all my first aid stuff. Do you think this’ll work?”

“Yeah. This’ll work. Did you wash your hands?”

When Jesse was coming back from washing his hands in the kitchen he saw Mike smooth the new bandage down.

“Wow. You did that fast.”

“This isn’t the first time I’ve been shot.” He tilted his head like he was thinking. “Might as well put some ointment on this stupid ear while I’m at it.”

“Do you have enough pain medication? I could get you more Oxy easy. People want to pay Wendy with that stuff all the time. She could set it aside for me.”

Mike made a noncommittal noise that Jesse took as a maybe. “Just don’t get yourself arrested.” Mike was looking around. “Where’s my jacket?”

“Oh it’s over here on the bean bag chair with your other stuff.”

“I need my gun from the pocket.”

“It’s right over there. Do you want to watch TV?”

“Could you hand it to me?”

“The remote?”

“My gun.”

“Are you sure?”

“What are you talking about? Hand me my gun.”

Jesse handed it to him. “I thought because you’re on medication.”

Mike checked the safety and put it under his pillow. “What are you talking about? You think I could accidentally shoot you? I’d have to be on something stronger than prescription opiates.”

He used his right hand to hold his wound while he reclined.

Jesse turned out the lights. He told himself that it was not romantic for Mike to say that he wouldn’t shoot him. Nothing about this was romantic and it should be a given that people in his house would never shoot him. He didn’t want to go to bed. He hoped it wasn’t too creepy that he sat down in the disc chair again.

Mike glanced over, “You gonna stay for a while?”

“Sorry. I’ll clear out.”

“No you can guard me like in the old days.” Maybe Mike was being sarcastic. The next thing he said sounded completely sincere, “I like having you here. I missed you when I woke up.”

Jesse leaned over and rested the side of his face on the chair. His house felt cozier and safer with Mike in it. He was on the further side of the bed by the window rather than the side by Jesse’s chair, so they weren’t super close.

Jesse kind of wanted to smoke but Mike had already been coughing today from nothing.

“I wish I could have stayed. I wanted to. As soon as Gus woke up he said we had to leave. He was still all wobbly and poisoned but I guess he had a hard-on to give the necklace to Tio and rub his face in it.”

Mike was obviously taking his pants off under the comforter. From the way he asked,“Did he tell you why?” it was clear he knew why. His belt buckle hit the floor and all Jesse could think about was that Mike was in his underwear, practically naked.

Jesse tried to sound normal when he answered,“Not really. Who did Salamanca kill to set him off?”

“His original partner - Max Arciniega. It was before my time. They started the Pollos Hermanos restaurants in Chile, expanded to Mexico. When they tried to expand the meth operation with Don Eladio, he had Hector shoot Max in the head.”

“I thought the cartel wanted to work with Gus, and Gus was the one holding out?”

“This was twenty years ago. It happened right where we were by the pool. It took forever to come up with that tequila plan, because Fring had his heart set on seeing Don Eladio die in the exact same spot. If we could have swung it, he would have loved to kill Hector and Bolsa right there at the same time.”

He looked over at Jesse curled up in the chair. “I can’t imagine that’s comfortable.”

“I’m good.”

“Kid, this whole slumber party talk all night thing is nice, but you can actually sleep here next to me if you want. There are two pillows. There’s room.”

Jesse sat up before thinking it through. Then he had bunch of thoughts all at once that helped him rationalized it. He would still be fully dressed. This way he could help Mike if he needed something - technically he was still supposed to be recuperating. It was for safety - he would stay and be an extra set of eyes and ears. His bed upstairs didn't have pillows or a blanket. Maybe Mike was actually sad about Gus dying and didn't want to be alone.

He kicked off his shoes. While he was feeling for the edge of the bed, Mike pulled the covers back to make a place for him. Getting under the comforter with a man in his boxers wasn't normal. Maybe Mike was loopy from the drugs. He didn't seem high. This was weird but a lot of things had been weird lately. At least this was good weird. Mike was turned towards him but his face was in shadow. He’d been holding up the blanket for a few seconds longer than would be comfortable. Jesse got in and lay on his back near the edge. After a couple minutes Mike rolled over to face the other way and Jesse adjusted.

“If I start snoring,” Mike said, facing the other way, “just go and sleep in your own bed.” The chuckle at his own joke triggered coughing which, in turn, made his gunshot wound hurt more. He said, “Don’t make me laugh. It hurts to laugh.”

“I didn't. You’re over there laughing at your own jokes.”

“I know.”

“Get some rest, why don’t you.”

Jesse was sure he wouldn't be able to fall sleep like this. He was too happy and confused. The neighborhood sounds of cars and dogs were familiar. Mike’s breathing was steady. The larger man rolled onto his back and held his chest. They were both on their backs, not touching at all. Jesse fought the urge to put a hand over Mike’s wound to protect him while he slept. He hadn't slept in this room in a long time. There was quite a bit of light from the streetlight once your eyes adjusted to it. He’d been depressed or super high when he’d slept down here before.

This wouldn't ever happen again. Tomorrow Mike would be back to normal. He’d either skip town or stay at his own house. He was here now though. He could have gone home but he had chosen to stay. He said he had missed Jesse when he woke up in the medical tent. It made Jesse’s chest hurt to think about it. He should have left a note.

Jesse had never shared a bed with a guy. Him and his boys would get fucked up enough to pass out on the floor together but that wasn't like this at all. That was a crowd and they didn't talk about it first. Mike had invited him. He’d held the covers up and waited for him to get in. Mike probably thought that they were both so straight that it didn't matter. Jesse had slept next to Mr. White on separate cots in the Crystal Ship and it was like that. Jesus. Captain Underpants was the furthest thing from sexy that he could ever imagine. Maybe that’s how Mike thought about him, so far from being attractive that bunking together was nothing.

Mike smelled good. It was always the same smell and always faint. Jesse thought it could be aftershave or a deodorant. It wasn't a strong smell like Saul Goodman and his colognes. It was subtle. Maybe he just smelled sexy without putting anything on.

“Kid. Wake up. You’re asleep. Just hold on a second.”

Mike was pushing him away. The first thing Jesse noticed was his hard-on grinding into Mike’s thigh. Jesse was wrapped around him. As soon as he realized what he was doing he pulled away. He removed his arm from Mike’s chest and his leg that he’d hitched over Mike’s legs. Jesse wanted to die. He mumbled “sorry” and started to move way as quickly as he could. Less talk the better. Just leave. Maybe Mike would fall right back asleep and think he dreamed it.

Mike was too awake for that; he held Jesse’s wrist to stop him from fleeing. His grip was gentle. It must have been shame that was holding Jesse in place. They were both sitting up. They were both talking at the same time.

Mike was saying, “Wait. You don’t have to leave. It’s not a big deal. I was into it until I figured out you were still asleep.”

“I am so sorry. You’re hurt and I get all faggy on you while you’re asleep. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, Mike, but I’ll leave you alone. I’ll go away.”

Mike spoke in his slow calming voice but it didn't work. “Settle down. Just breathe.”

Jesse pulled his hand away and stood up. “Why are you saying this shit? You’re no homo. You’re like the least queer guy anyone’s ever met. You don’t need to be nice to me. You don’t need to like smooth it over so I won’t have hurt feelings. I respect you Mike. I would never knowingly, when I was awake, I wouldn't. Nothing like this will ever happen again. I’ll leave you alone.”

Jesse headed for the stairs but Mike was still talking. “Jesse. You’re not listening to me. Stay. It’s not a big deal. I’ll give you a hand job right now if you want.”

When he heard that, Jesse started crying.

Mike apologized, “Oh, Kid. I just don’t want you go if you’re still thinking there’s something wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong here. I asked you to sleep with me for Christ’s sake. We don’t work together anymore, so there’s that. ”

Jesse was standing near the stairs not leaving but not coming back either. He sat down on a stair. He wiped his eyes and breathed deeply.

“That is not what I was expecting you to say. I’m sorry about saying ‘homo’ and whatever. I’m just a little freaked out. I don’t really think that way. I don’t have a problem with it.”

Mike was as calm as ever. “I can tell.”

“That’s good. Cause I say a lot of stupid shit, but I've been thinking about it and about myself . . . ”

“No. I mean I can tell that you’re freaked out.”

There was so much space between them again. Jesse regretted how he’d handled this whole night. If he was smarter he could be touching the guy instead of apologizing for how he’d apologized.

“I’m not that freaked out. You talk that way too. A couple of hours ago you said we were 'boned' about the evidence – 'boned' in a bad way.”

“That’s work talk.” Mike replied. “I’m my private life I’m not scared of what I am or what I want.”

Jesse didn't have a response for that. He was completely hard again and his heart was beating fast. He wanted to be what the older man wanted. Whatever Mike wanted, Jesse wanted to be it, even if it changed how he thought of himself, even if it hurt. It would be worth it to be with him, to have his full attention, to know – just to know more about him – his body, his sounds. This could actually happen. It seemed like there was something he was supposed to think about before it went too far. He knew if he touched Mike’s hand or kissed him, momentum would take over, and his brain wouldn't work anymore.

The stair was not a comfortable place to sit. Mike asked if he was okay. Jesse remembered what he was trying to think of and blurted it out, “Condoms are upstairs.”

“Jesus Kid. That’s not happening right now, even if I didn't have this bullet hole in me. You were distraught over just humping my leg.”

“Because you were asleep! And I didn't know that you were a . . . . I didn't think you would . . . or be okay with it.”

Mike said, “Take it easy. You need to calm down.”

Jesse tried to interject, “I’m fine. I mean if you want to do something . . .”

“Sleeping is good for now. You should come back to bed if you want to.”

Mike looked over at him. Jesse wanted to. He should have just got back in bed and slept with the man, but he was nervous and he apologized again. “Yeah. Sorry. I didn't know what you had in mind. I wanted to be safe, because when I was using I wasn't always, uh, cautious. I don’t remember everything and I might have shared needles with Jane or, shit, in that crack house. I don’t even know . . . ” Once it was out, Jesse regretted every word. Mike was talking about how nice it was to sleep together and Jesse was fucking it up with the least romantic topics ever.

Mike assured him, “You’re fine. Dr. Goodman tested all of us for everything before the trip.”

“Oh. He even told me that. He had my blood type. There was blood for me in the fridge with my name on it.”

Mike was kind to pretend Jesse wasn't babbling. He restated the situation, “You’re healthy and I’m healthy.”

Jesse got up and looked at clock in the kitchen. The kitchen was darker than it was before the remodel, dark wood and dark granite. Even though the house was worth more now, Jesse wished it was still the way Ginny had it.

“It’s 4:00.”

Mike folded back the covers on Jesse’s side like an invitation and told him, “I’m going to sleep a couple more hours.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No. I’m fine. I can’t take more medication till 6:00. Are you going to lie down for a while?”

“If it’s okay.”

It was too dark to be sure but it looked like Mike made his adorable half smile. He must think Jesse was the most awkward person ever.

“Yes. It’s okay. I like being with you.”

Jesse said “I’ll be right back.”

It didn't take long at all. His shorts already had a wet spot before he started. If Mike hadn't woken him, he might have just kept dreaming and let it go in his jeans. A few strokes inside his underwear and he was quietly cussing through the waves of pleasure. He showered fast, put on pajama pants and came back down.

Jesse situated himself under the comforter. He needed to stop talking, and let Mike get some more sleep. He was on his back but not at the very edge of the bed. He moved closer to Mike who was on his side facing Jesse. He held Mike’s hand after it brushed up against his.

Mike kissed his shoulder. He’d never been kissed by someone with a mustache and goatee. It was a mix of soft and prickly. It was not a kiss leading up to something else. It was a comfortable sweet kiss goodnight. Mike let go of his hand and touched his stomach. He pet him before letting his hand set there like it was nothing, like they’d been doing this for years. Being in bed with Mike was nothing like being with a woman. This was more substantial. Mike took up space. He had a weight, a certainty. All he was doing was resting a hand on Jesse’s stomach. It was exactly enough contact for how Jesse was feeling. It was intimate without being overwhelming.

Mike asked him very quietly, “You okay, Kid?”

Jesse wanted to say a lot of things but all he got out was, “yeah.”

“Are you sleepy?”

“Not really. I held your hand while you were hurt.”

“I know. I was there.”

Jesse had the simultaneous desires to run away and to burrow in even closer to Mike. As much as he wanted to stop talking and just feel how good it was to be together, there was one more thing he needed to say. He’d been wondering about it for a long time and it bothered him like a splinter. He wanted to be able to trust one single fucking person in his life. Jesse made a contented sound. Then he said what he needed to say. “I have to ask you more thing and then we can just be here together and not talk about work anymore.”

Mike didn't remove his hand from Jesse’s stomach but it felt like he was ready to. He sounded apprehensive. “Okay.”

“Did you have anything to do with Tomas being murdered? Please just say ‘no’ even if you did. ”

“Who?”

Shit, how many Tomases had this guy killed?

“Tomas Cantillo. Andrea’s eleven year old brother. He shot my friend Combo. He worked for guys who worked for Gus. Those assholes that Gus made me shake hands with. You made me go there and . . . ”

“Okay, stop. I know what you’re talking about. No, I didn't kill him. And if Fring knew about it, he didn't tell me. I doubt he ordered it. Aside from being wrong, it was unnecessary and didn't serve the business. I think the guys did it on their own to get back at you, because they were morons.”

“So you didn't help them get away with it, after the fact?”

“No. No one helped them get away with it. That crime scene was all over the news. They left tons of evidence, including the body. I had nothing to do with it. I did, however, clean up the two of them after your former partner ran them over and shot them in the middle of the street.”

“Thanks. That was the only thing was worried about. I missed you so much while you were gone and I wanted to know that you are who I think you are.”

Mike sighed like that was funny. “You saw me garrote someone; I think you have an accurate picture of who I am. It’s not good, but I've never killed a child or anyone who couldn't defend themself.”

Jesse tensed. Then he tried to talk himself down. Mike had just been talking about himself. He had only been trying to reassure Jesse that there were limits to the violence he would do.

Mike said, “I’m sorry Jesse. It was a terrible thing. Did you know him?”

“No. I met Andrea later.”

“Oh shit, Kid, I’m sorry.” Mike must have put it together. “I shouldn't have said that about not killing unarmed men. All I needed to say was that I had nothing to do with Tomas. I probably have killed someone who didn't have a weapon. At some point I probably have, and it’s an arbitrary distinction anyway. Oh yeah, I have, at least twice I've killed men while they were hospitalized and unable to fight back. One guy I poisoned and the other one I turned off his ventilator while he was in a coma. Forget all that shit I said before.”

“No. It’s not an arbitrary distinction. Shooting Joaquin was like regular combat. I had to. The other thing was. . . ” His voice trailed off.

“Jesse,” Mike was taking a minute to get his thoughts together. “Gale cooked methamphetamine for the largest distributor in North America. He was fully aware that highly profitable illegal businesses are dangerous; not just getting arrested but- ”

“No. He didn't know shit. He didn't have a gun. If he’d understood what he was into, what kind of people we are, he would have had a gun or at least a fucking peephole in the door and a taser or pepper spray or something. He didn't know.”

To Mike’s credit he didn't try to distribute the blame. He didn't take some of it for himself by saying he was a bad head of security to leave his cook unprepared and unprotected. He didn't say that Jesse was too high to know what he was doing. In his head, Mike probably put it on Mr. White, but he didn't say so now. That wasn't what Jesse needed to hear – that he was a pawn more than he was a murderer. Jesse didn't need to hear anything. He just needed Mike to know that he still felt like shit about it.

Why the fuck had he cared so much whether Mike helped the thugs who killed Thomas? Thomas could handle himself better at eleven than Gale could at forty.

Jesse cuddled closer, cautious of the injury. Mike planted his hand directly over Jesse’s heart. This was who they really were; the rest was just things they had done. Jesse knew it wasn't true but it felt good to pretend.

* * *

 

 


	3. Magnets

“Why don’t you drive Kid, I need to answer some texts.” It was amusing that Mike would even mention it since it was Jesse’s car.

“Cool. You need to stop at your place?” Mike just stared at him. “To change your shirt? Mr. White might notice.”

The older man agreed, “You could you drop me there while you get the doughnuts.”

“What doughnuts? For Joe?”

“He’ll be more receptive if you bring him bacon maple bars.”

Jesse got the shopping done fast and Mike was waiting for him in the front yard when he drove up.

Mike got in complaining, “Ugh. I could smell those things before I even opened the door.”

“I think they smell good.”

Mike responded with a quiet exhale through his nose. Jesse used to think it was an expression of disapproval, but lately he’d been thinking there were a lot of different sighs with slightly different meanings and not all of them were negative. You had to watch his mouth and eyes to know whether he was actually unhappy or not. Right now he was fine.

Jesse drove cautiously, avoiding bumps and sudden stops. When he looked over, their eyes met. Mike spoke first, “So, last night when you said you've been thinking about it lately. That means you've been attracted to men for what, a few months?”

“It's not men plural. I'm gay for you. And it’s just lately.” It sounded fickle when he said it out loud. He changed the subject. “Have you ever been married? I know you have a granddaughter.”

“I was married briefly, but I've always been queer as a three dollar bill. We only married because I got her pregnant and had to do the right thing. She divorced me as soon as she found out.”

“How did she find out?”

“It was a long time ago. Shouldn't we talk about something important, like how we’re all going to be in prison soon if we waste time with science fair projects?" Mike's tone got civil like he was holding a lot back. "You should have called me.” 

Fine. They could do this now. “At the time, we didn't have a choice. Gus threatened to kill Mr. White’s baby. I thought he might go after Brock.” This was the tricky part. He couldn't explain it without mentioning the ricin.

“You were our golden boy. Why would he celebrate your good cook and the downfall of the cartel by threatening your step-son?”

“He did it to Mr. White. Why wouldn't he deal with me the same way, like, down the road?” Mike tried to say something but Jesse kept ranting, “You saw him with the box cutter. You didn't know he was going to do that. You said, outside that tweeker house that time, you said you don’t care for unpredictable. It doesn't get any less fucking predictable than killing your own guy. Gus made eye contact with me while he was killing Victor. He was capable of hurting a kid. He directly threatened Mr. White’s family.”

“This was recently?”

“Yeah. They took him out in the desert and said they were going to kill his baby.”

“That’s not what happened.”

“You were on a cot in Mexico. How do you know it didn't happen?”

“As usual, your former partner’s not telling you the whole story. What Fring wanted most was to get rid of Schrader. His second priority was to keep Walter away from you and the lab. He would only threaten the family to force Walter to agree to those two conditions. Walter could have kept his home and his money and his family, which is more than he deserved.”

Jesse looked at the road and didn't say anything. He hated having to rearrange the story in his head to account for new information and logic. Things were easier when him and Mr. White worked as a team.

“You missed the exit.”

The younger man didn't respond. He took out a cigarette and rolled down his window. Mike rolled his down too and rested his arm on the window frame. Once they were off the highway and back on headed in the right direction, he looked over at Mike. “I thought you fell asleep.”

“No, just thinking. I saw a jackrabbit a ways back.”

“I think I saw the same one.”

“Kaylee used to call them Easter bunnies even though they’re brown and skinny and long legged. They don’t look anything like fluffy pet bunnies, but she stood her ground.”

“You should get her a bunny as a present.”

Mike looked relieved when he realized Jesse was joking. He said, “Yeah. That’d be just the thing to get me in good with her mother - a pet that can’t be house trained.”

“She’s not your daughter right? Kaylee’s dad is your son?” Mike indicated with his eyes that Jesse was on thin ice. Jesse tried one more question, “He’s not around anymore?”

“He’s alive. He’s just a piece of shit. He’s not allowed in the state.”

“He’s got warrants in New Mexico?”

“No, it’s my rule. You know, on the list of things I don’t want to talk about, my son is pretty much right at the top.”

“Okay. We can talk about something else. Do want me to stop asking about your personal life?”

“It’s fine.”

“Did you kill the guy who outed you to your wife?”

“Nobody outed me.” There was a bump in the road and Mike cringed. Jesse decided he would get extra prescriptions for him.

“So how did she find out?”

“Do you want the long version?”

“Yes.”

“Doris’s parents had a lake house in western Pennsylvania. We’d go every summer for a week with her parents, her four siblings, all their kids, other cousins, aunts, uncles, whatever – about thirty people altogether. All piled into a four bedroom house. The kids would sleep outside in tents and on tarps. She and I slept on a fold out couch bed that was even less comfortable than that futon you have.”

Jesse grinned. He didn't want to interrupt and have to wait even longer for the point of the story. Mike saw him shaking his head and they shared a smile. Jesse blushed and hoped that it wasn't noticeable that he was half way hard. The good thing about long sweatshirts was the boner coverage.

“I guess what you have to know about the sixties is that men’s swimming trunks were a lot smaller.”

Had Jesse said that thing about sweatshirts out loud? No this was part of the lake story.

“I was twenty. My brother-in-law Pete was nineteen. We both had families already, but we were actually still stupid kids. Pete and I had, well, we’d noticed each other before then, but he lived in New Hampshire . . . doesn't matter. We were swimming and horsing around and we ended up in the boathouse together and my wife walked in.”

“You were kissing?”

“We were young and repressed. We didn't risk everything just for peck on the cheek. We knew we’d only have a few minutes.”

“Whoa. So she actually saw you fucking her brother?”

“There was a row boat in there that was busted or something. They had it upside down on saw horses. I was facing forward bracing myself on the boat and Jack was behind me. So when she opened the door on the house side, she saw both our faces. To use your term, she saw her baby brother fucking her husband. And that’s why she hated me for the rest of her life. She got full custody of the baby, and I started over in the city.”

Jesse thought that if this story was supposed to be sad, Mike had missed his mark. It sounded more like a porno. He parked and tried to get his mind out of the boathouse. Mike said, “I’ll take in the doughnuts. Pretend to be on the phone till that goes down” gesturing at the lump in Jesse’s lap. “This should go without saying, but I don’t want anybody to know about” he paused before settling on the word “me.”

“Yeah, totally.”

Mike collected the box out of the back seat and thumped the top of the car once. Jesse thought it was cute. They usually only ever did that with the trucks. He wished he could jerk off somewhere, but Old Joe, Mr. White and a couple of other workers were already gathered by the crane magnet. Jesse held his flip phone to his ear for show, while he went through his mental catalog of images that would make his erection go down. Thinking about gore worked, so he was lucky in that regard.

* * *

 

 

Mike’s expression was hard to read when he told Jesse he should leave town right away. Did he mean leave town with him, together in one car, getting one hotel room with one bed? On the run, would it slip back into being Mike in charge and Jesse taking orders? After last night, could Mike have meant that they should go in different directions and never see each other again?

Jesse’s insecurity made him overstate things. “It’s a three man job. The only way I know for sure that it won’t work, is if we don’t have you.” It was bullshit. It could be a two man job. The driver could also turn on the magnet. All the calculations would already be done at that point. It would literally just be a matter of turning a knob. And Mike could teach one of them how to override a security gate box. Maybe Joe or one of his guys already knew how. What made Jesse sick was that Mike was smart enough to know they could do this without him. If he stayed and helped them he could be choosing Jesse over a clean getaway.

* * *

 

 

Mike nodded off on the ride back into town. It seemed like just being around Mr. White sapped his energy. He came to and asked, “Can you take me home?”

“Sure”

“I’d ask you in, but I have a lot of phone calls to make.”

Jesse pulled up to the curb and turned the car off. He put his hand on Mike’s knee. Mike put his hand over top of it. It was such a relief that they were still touchy, after a whole morning of talking shop and playing it cool around other people.

“You’re staying and doing this thing?” the cook asked.

Mike made a miniature gesture of throwing up his hands in resignation; the hand over Jesse’s hand flipped slightly and came back to rest. Jesse interlaced their fingers.

“I really do have a lot of things to take care of.” Neither of them made any move to separate their hands. “I’ll call to you tonight.”

“That’d be good. I know there’s probably nothing I can help with, but just let me know.”

The fixer squeezed Jesse’s hand and got out of the car.

* * *

 

 

On the phone that night, Jesse got an earful when he invited Mike over.

“No. You have tampons and rubber duckies your bathrooms, Jesse. As far as I’m concerned, your house is Andrea’s territory. There’s no reason to take the risk. Nobody reacts well when they walk in on a cheating lover, and if she pieces it together, that could be just as bad. When I was a cop and a P.I. most of what I saw was that jealousy makes people crazy.”

Jesse had hoped to put off this conversation. “Things are weird between me and her, but I’m not ready to break it off. They make me feel normal, not normal hetero, just normal.”

“I get it. You don’t have your family anymore. Andrea and Brock are your connection to noncriminal life. Sometimes I feel like the only decent part of me is my relationship with Kaylee. All I’m saying is we need to meet at my house or a hotel.”

“Tonight?” Jesse hoped out loud.

“Tomorrow night.”

“Dude, we’re testing the magnet tomorrow. If it works we’re going for it. Isn't that like a jinx to put it off until after a big B&E? What if we get arrested and never get the chance.” Jesse was half joking.

Mike’s phone beeped with another call. “Don’t worry. The test run will fail and we’ll be sleeping in a different state tomorrow night.”

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My understanding of Mike is influenced by Jonathan Banks's opinions about him. "The only decent part of me is my relationship with Kaylee" comes from his interview on Speakeasy with Paul F. Tompkins.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading.


	4. Curious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for clicking on this. When I see the number of hits go up I feel like Walt Jr. monitoring his website. I wrote this story for myself and it feels good that other people want to see it.

Mike ignored the question and kept kissing him.

“Yo, did you hear me? You were the one who scrapped off the serial numbers and popped the VIN. Why were you fucking with him?”

Jesse still felt little kisses and deliciously prickly nuzzles on his neck and ear.

“Because he didn’t tell me beforehand.” Mike kissed his cheek bone and praised him, “You did it Kid. You’re so fucking smart. You’re the one who did this thing.”

The young mastermind put a hand very lightly over Mike’s chest wound. “How are you doing?”

“Really good. I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. It was just a bit much for an enclosed space.”

“Yeah? Let’s fool around in the back set and see if you mind it then.”

“You’re all talk Pinkman.”

Jesse kissed him on the lips for the first time. It felt like eighth grade, getting so hard and nervous about a little kiss. They smiled at each other in the dark and pressed their foreheads together. Mike ran his hands up and down Jesse’s back. It took energy for Jesse to not blurt out “I love you.” He was in over his head for sure.

They took off their sweatshirt and jacket. Mike took off his gun holster and set it on the extra hotel bed.

Mike wrapped his hands around Jesse’s waist. Then he brought a hand up and caressed Jesse’s cheek. _Jesus_ , Jesse thought, _I’m going to be the bitch. If this was slow dancing I’d be the girl._

Even though their kissing was slow and gentle, they ended up in their shorts, horizontal on the bed pretty quick. Jesse was moving fast because he thought that’s what Mike wanted. He thought that’s what a real gay guy would do. They were on their sides, on top of the covers, kissing and breathing. It was completely dark. Jesse ran his fingers along the man’s arm from wrist to bicep. Mike was holding still and letting Jesse come to him. The feel of Mike’s body under his hand took up all of his attention, the shoulder, the upper back. There was a ridge of scar tissue on his shoulder blade. Jesse wanted to feel how far down it went, but it seemed like an invasion of privacy. There was also a difference in texture on the outfacing part of his bicep. He was too shy to ask if Mike used to have a tattoo. He pushed himself up on one arm and kissed the place where a tattoo may have once been. He wanted to lick it.

He ran his free hand along Mike’s chest through the hair that had fascinated him in the hospital tent. He was lost in thoughts that were so simple they shouldn’t have taking so long to think, like how warm Mike’s stomach was. The top of his boxers stopped Jesse’s hand. He froze with three of his finger tips on the underwear waist band.

Mike’s voice startled him even though it was gentle, “There’s no rush. We could slow down.”

“It’s not that I’m not attracted to you.”

“I know. Me too. Sleeping’s good. There is nobody I would rather sleep with.”

How could something so corny be so sexy and reassuring? Jesse knew he had a goofy smile on his face.

* * *

 

 

In the morning, Jesse smelled coffee and opened his eyes to Mike reading the paper at the little table.

“Do you have something going on today? You’re all dressed.”

“Nope. I went out to get a paper.”

“So you can stay?”

Mike took off his reading glasses and started unbuttoning his shirt.

It was overwhelming how sexy he looked. Mike misread Jesse’s expression, “I thought you wanted me to come back to bed.”

“I do. You’re just. . . Have you always had those glasses? You look really good. Does my stubble bother you?”

“God, no.”

“I’m gonna brush my teeth real fast.”

When Jesse got back Mike was under the sheets. Jesse snuggled up behind him, because that’s where there was space. Mike was still in his shorts too. He put an absurd amount of thought into his body placement, chest touching Mike’s back, an inch between his hard-on and Mike’s ass. In a moment of bravery, he moved one inch forward. Then he eased his clothed erection practically in between Mike’s clothed butt cheeks. He reconsidered and pulled back slowly. Mike brought a hand around to hold him close. Jesse’s shorts had pushed up on the side and Mike’s hand was on bare skin instead of cotton.

“It’s okay.” Mike reassured him.

“For real?” Jesse asked. Mike didn't answer immediately. Maybe that had been rude to say. Jesse tried to smooth things over by pressing it back against him like he’d said was okay. He put his hand on Mike’s side. “I’m sorry. It’s good. I’m glad it’s good. Uh. Will you say something here?”

Mike breathed deeply. “You can relax.” He pulled Jesse’s hand around to the front of his underwear. Jesse unconsciously curled his hips further forward when he felt how hard Mike was.

“See? I’m into it. You’re into it.” Mike talked him through it. “We can do this however you want to. It doesn't have to be just that one thing.”

Jesse explored Mike’s package through his boxer shorts. He had a monster cock; there was no other way to describe it. He was glad Mike couldn't see the look on his face. He kissed the man’s upper back and kept rubbing. Mike gasped when he touched the tip. They got their shorts off and out of the way. He was comfortable with spooning Mike and not having to look him in the eye. Feeling how big his dick was made him lose his nerve about having it in his mouth or his ass.

Mike murmured encouragement. Jesse was gentle while it was dry. He hadn't ever touched a circumcised penis. It was so solid and straight forward. It didn't have the roll of the foreskin, the movement. He got Mike slippery with spit and smeared some on himself. He slotted his dick into the crack of Mike’s bare ass. The skin felt so good up against him that he worked his hips steadily and forgot about the hand job he’d started.

Mike put pillows between his knees and bent away from him, allowing Jesse to look down and see what he was doing. His cock was flushed and desperate. He lined it up with Mike’s hole and pushed meekly, letting it slide above.

“You can if you want to. I like it.” 

Mike’s words made Jesse leak clear fluids and forget to breathe. He wanted to but he knew wasn't ready to actually go that far. He continued to slide against the outside of him. He angled himself up instead of forward. It seemed impossible that he would ever fuck Mike Ehrmantraut. Even what they were doing right now felt like a weird dream. Did Mike really separate real life from “work talk”? How did he do that? Jesse propped himself up on one arm and used the other hand to hold Mike’s hip. Mike was taking care of himself, rigorously. Jesse tried to speed up to match his strokes, but it took thought so he quit and just did what felt right. It felt right to moan and rub his body into him. 

Jesse said, “I want to, but not right now. What else should I do?”

“Whatever you want.” Mike answered quietly. His arm was still.

Jesse put his hand on Mike’s dick even though Mike’s hand was already wrapped around it. He asked a one word question, “This?” and didn't wait for an answer before he brought the hand back towards himself and touched Mike’s opening. This question was even shorter than a word.

Mike answered verbally, “inside” and Jesse felt things he couldn't identify, let alone process. He started with an index finger eliciting a moan into the pillow. He repositioned so he could kiss the rough scar on Mike’s arm while he fingered him. He licked the tattoo scar and tasted how much the man had sweat since taking a shower an hour or two ago. Mike made the loudest sounds when Jesse kept his finger in as deep as he could and thrust it slightly deeper. Jesse realized he’d been french kissing the scar for a while. 

He sat up and kept his finger working inside of Mike while he used his other hand on himself. He meant to just keep it hard, but embarrassingly soon he lost it, shooting jizz all over Mike’s back, including the serious shoulder blade scar he’d felt the night before. The little part of his brain that wasn't lost in the orgasm thought of it as something good occurring on the same flesh where something terrible had. Well, good for him at least; he looked around for something to clean it off. His clothes were on the floor and he decided not to worry about it until they were both done.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. I just need a warning if you’re gonna do it on my face.” Mike started to roll onto his back, so Jesse slid his finger out.

“You’re joking right?”

“Kiss me.” The pillows fell on the floor while Jesse got on top and kissed him.

His finger slipped right back in. The wrist angle was easier when they didn't kiss and Jesse sat back on his shins, watching. He couldn't take his eyes off of the part of his body going into the larger stronger body. His other hand touched Mike’s drawn up balls, his thighs.

“Jesse?”

“Yeah?” He wasn't sure if he should stop what he was doing. Mike was still jacking off, so he kept the finger inside and kissed the man’s knee. It was what was in reach. Mike’s hole got tighter. “Jesus, that’s hot. Do you want me to . . .” he crooked his fingers and asked, “Is this what you were gonna say?”

“It’s not that deep in. Almost. It’s closer to the Oh Fuck Kid Yes Yes.” Mike truly got rough with himself and spilled over. Jesse wanted to remember everything about it. If he made a video of this he wouldn't need the internet anymore.

He eased his finger out when he thought Mike’s orgasm had passed. He wanted to lay his head on the fixer’s chest, but that would have to wait till he was better. Mike instinctively put a hand over it while he caught his breath. Jesse was still sitting up watching him. Jeez, it probably hurt Mike to get himself off like that. He should have taken over. Next time.

He lay down and asked, “Were you born Michael Ehrmantraut?”

Mike smirked and turned his head towards him. “Did I miss something? I thought we were having sex.”

Jesse knew he was being teased. “You had a tattoo removed from your arm right? That made me think that maybe you had changed your name.”

“No. This has always been my name. I grated a tattoo off in ‘84.” Jesse lifted his hand and they looked at his scorpion. Mike went on, “That one is conspicuous. I like how it looks on you, but it’s not a smart move for a criminal.”

“What was yours of?”

“It’s gone. It doesn't matter.”

Jesse faded out for a second before he remembered what he’d done to Mike’s back and got up to get a washcloth.

* * *

 

 

They slept through breakfast and went out for lunch. They didn't talk about it, but they hadn't checked out of the room. It was possible they would stay another night. Jesse thought he should really go home at some point, but then again why. Andrea could call him if they needed something.

Jesse already felt nostalgic about Loyola’s, even though he hadn't been going there that long.

“Are you still going to do jobs for Saul?” Jesse asked.

“I don’t know. I think I’m retired. Are you still going to talk to Walter?”

“Yeah, probably.”

Through facial expressions and body language the two men expressed their agreement to disagree.

Mike said, “I think that if he knows about us, he’ll use it against you somehow.”

“I wasn't going to tell him. I don’t know if I would even if you were cool with it.”

“Do you still trust him?”

He said “yes,” and pushed down the memory of screaming at him and pressing a gun into his forehead. “I told my friend Wendy. Nothing about you really, or how we know each other.” Jesse drank some coffee. “So when you were saying you didn't want anyone to know, was that just because of work, or is that the way it always is with you, no matter what?”

“A couple of roles in the homo hay and you’re ready for a rainbow bumper sticker?”

“No, I’m asking. Do you ever tell anybody? Does anybody know?”

“The men I've slept with have a pretty good idea. I don’t know how else to say this – I’m in the closet. I don’t talk about it. I know the big thing now is pride and all that, but I have a reputation to protect that goes beyond my work for Fring. I’m discreet. You have to be okay with that for this to continue.”

“Yeah I get that, but does anybody know? Like your daughter-in-law and Kaylee?”

“Christine and my family back east know. I asked Christine not to tell Kaylee. It’s never going to affect her. She doesn't need a ‘how to cope with your two gay grandpas’ book. It’s not an issue. She asked me one time, why I didn't get married, and I said that I didn't want to, which is true. I hate talking about this. I want everything between you and me to be the same. Well . . .”

“No, I get it. Like the way it was when we’d do pick-ups and stake-outs. When I was actually helpful, and we got along.”

“Yeah that, plus sex would be perfect.”

“Has this arrangement ever worked for you before?”

“Not really.”

Jesse nodded. This was stupid but he didn't know what else to do. “So you don’t have any friends that you’re out to?”

“One.”

“It wasn't Gus was it?”

“Are you being serious?”

Jesse shrugged. “You guys spent time together. I thought maybe you talked.”

“No. I did my job.” The emphasis was on “I” but Jesse let it go. He’d rather talk about their relationship.

“So have you told your friend about me?”

“Yeah, I told her a little. Her name’s Eva. I met her when I worked for the guy I worked for before Fring.”

“Was she an enforcer too?”

Mike made a face like the thought hadn't occurred to him before. “When she had to be, but her job was being the boss’s wife.”

“Whoa. Back in the day, you and Eva just chatting on smoke breaks between big drug deals: the criminal version of a first lady and a head of the secret service. BFF’s.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “We got out at the same time and stayed in touch. We go dancing a couple times a year.”

“You what?”

“Ballroom dancing.”

“Bullshit, but the part about Eva is true right? You really do have a friend?”

“What? I’m a good dancer.”

* * *

 

 


	5. Professional

Everyone was acting like this couldn't work: Saul, and now Mike. Cooking again made sense to Jesse. If he didn't do this, what else was he going to do? Actually work in an industrial laundry? Flip a sign by the street? You do the thing you're best at, especially if the thing your best at pays fat stacks.

Plus, Mr. White thought it was a good idea. The man had been more loyal to him than his own parents. He forgave him for almost murdering him. He was willing to be Jesse’s partner again and have his back.

The three of them sat at Mike’s kitchen table, Mike looking bored with how much he hated Mr. White. Jesse hadn't even considered that it could go this bad. He should have insisted that he pitch it to Mike on his own. Why couldn't Mr. White use a normal voice instead of being so smug and condescending? Why couldn't Mike see that this would be pretty easy money? They’d be in control, nobody would get hurt.

Afterwards outside, he sat in his car and lit a cigarette. His former teacher looked pretty cheerful for someone that’d been shot down and called a time bomb. He waved goodbye as Mr. White drove away, then sat in his car for a couple of minutes collecting all his thoughts about the meeting and putting them away for later. He left his black leather jacket in the car and walked back up to Mike’s door. Before his knock landed the door opened.

“Don’t you want to move your car?”

“Why? He’s not coming back. He’s probably expecting you to change your mind and call him any second now.”

Mike closed the door and touched Jesse’s back lightly. His body language was friendly but his voice was still grumpy, “If he does come back around, it’s on you to talk to him. I’m done.”

“Okay.”

Jesse turned and put his hands on Mike’s shoulders reducing the space between them. It was almost a hug. “I wanted to hug you before. It’s weird to be in a room with you and not touch you.”

Mike evidently hadn’t processed the meeting and switched gears. “He will get you killed. I’m not just saying that. I thought this meeting was going to be about some other evidence problem you guys wanted my help getting out of. I can’t believe you’re considering doing this.”

“I’m not considering it. I’m doing it. You said ‘no’ and that’s fine. Now it’s like leisure time or whatever. Do you wanna watch TV and just hang out? You could finish drinking your dinner.” Jesse pointed to the Ensure. “I should probably be drinking those too. Mr. White says my diet lacks protein and vitamins.” 

Mike growled slightly.

“Sorry. I’m done. He’s not here. We’re not talking about him. It’s just us.” Jesse wanted to veg out and watch whatever old movies Mike liked.

“Can you stay the night?” Mike asked. It was amazing how fast his body was affected by Mike’s voice. He no longer cared about the business or dinner or movies. He looked Mike in the eye and leaned forward to kiss. It was chaste in a way, briefly pressing their lips together.

“Yeah. Maybe I should move my car then.”

Mike whispered in his ear, “I think that’s a good idea,” in a voice that made it seem as though he was saying something much dirtier.

Jesse came back from moving the car still wondering if Mike’s voice just made everything sound hot. He hadn’t actually said anything sexual. They really might be in for a night of watching TV and drinking beers. He locked the front door behind him. The living room and kitchen were empty. He walked down the hall – bathroom empty, spare room empty, laundry room empty. The last door on the right was open. Mike was sitting on his bed talking his socks off.

“Hi.”

Mike smiled at him. “Hi Kid.”

Jesse wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do so he looked at the pictures on top of his dresser. There was a black and white one of a bride and groom.

“Those are my parents.”

“Your mom was pretty.” He pointed at the other picture, “That’s you and Kaylee?”

“She was less than a day old.”

Mike was still sitting on the bed looking toward the photos. Jesse smiled and scratched the back of his own buzzed head. He couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Come here please.” Mike asked.

When Jesse was close enough to touch, Mike reached out for his hips and slowly pulled him closer, burying his face in Jesse’s tee shirt. His breath was hot. The height of the bed put his mouth below Jesse’s chest. Jesse felt the man’s shaved head and then started rubbing his shoulders. It wasn't a flirty fake shoulder rub, but it wasn't super hard either. Mike’s hands were on the small of his back now and moving upward. He turned his head to the side and wrapped his arms around the kid tightly.

“So we’re going to bed at five in the afternoon?” Jesse asked.

“I’m injured. I need rest.”

Jesse joked, “In that case I should go and jack off real quick so you can get your rest.”

“Do it right here. I’ll watch you and that way I’ll know how you like it. Last time I couldn't see what you were doing.” Mike looked up at him with an intensity that was almost too much. “I’m guessing gentle.”

Jesse pulled off his shirt and Mike touched every newly exposed part of him. It was little clumsy but he got most of the way naked, while Mike sat on the bed fully clothed. Those big hands migrated down and started groping his ass. A finger touched his hole through the boxers. Jesse batted it away and took a step back, almost tripping on his pants still on one foot. Mike looked horrified. “Sorry. I should have asked first.”

The standing man got rid of the problematic pants, socks and shoe. He was embarrassed. “It’s okay, just surprised me. Maybe some other time you know.”

“Or not. Whatever you want.”

Jesse came back in close and stroked Mike’s head, pulled him in to the same hug they’d had earlier. Mike held Jesse’s waist loosely, breathed into his body, kissed it. “I’m sorry.” He kissed the blonde hair on Jesse’s stomach and chest. “I only want to do the things you want me to. I want you to like it.”

“Will you take off your clothes?”

Mike moved back onto his bed and stripped down. The light through the white curtains made the room seem cool and welcoming. Jesse had the sensation of being underwater. Mike was watching him. “You’re gorgeous, especially in this light.”

“Especially when you mix pain meds and beer, you mean.”

“If that bothers you I won’t do it. Or are you joking because you’re nervous?”

“Of course I’m nervous. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Jesse was still in his boxers, his own size, not the ones he wore when he slept or wore huge pants. He crawled towards Mike keeping eye contact. He wanted to look sexy but partway through he felt skinny. It seemed like something a woman would do – crawling across a bed.

“It’s okay,” Mike told him. They kissed harder than they had before. Jesse got on top and pushed him down with the kiss. Mike let him. When they broke off for a second to catch their breath Mike asked, “Do you want to show me how you do it for yourself?”

“I’ll show you on your body.” Their erections were touching slightly until Jesse pressed his hips downward. Even though he was light, he had been keeping his weight on his hands and knees mostly so he wouldn’t accidentally put pressure on the bullet wound. Now he pushed their cocks together.

He continued the kiss while he spread Mike’s precome down the shaft. Mike’s head went back and his hand squeezed Jesse’s ass. The he paused and asked, “Is that okay?”

“Yeah, that’s good. Just, you know, not like what I was doing to you at the hotel.”

“Ass, but not asshole. Got it.”

Jesse put his knees on either side of Mike’s hips and held himself up with the hand that wasn’t exploring Mike’s chest. The white chest hair still intrigued him. Jesse rubbed his cock lightly against Mike’s. There were still his shorts between them. Everything about Mike’s body was perfect – the smell, heat, wetness of his mouth, intensity of his eyes, his nipples. Jesse barely touched the right one with a fingertip and Mike closed his eyes and smiled. Jesse felt a surge of confidence, he may be inexperienced, but he knew how to work a nipple. He licked across it several times before sucking it. Jesse sat up and looked at the body under him. He stared. Most of the man’s body hair was white, close cropped around his large penis. Jesse stroked him the way he would have liked it. It got even larger as he handled it. The angle was almost the same as doing himself even though the body part was bigger.

Mike reached under a pillow and pulled out a small bottle of lube. Jesse used it on him and switched hands after couple of minutes just to see what it was like with his left.

“Is this too gentle?”

“Any softer is just teasing. It’s good. It feels good. It just has to be a little rougher to get me off.”

“Tighter or faster?” Jesse was demonstrating the word tighter while keeping the rhythm that he liked for himself.

“Kiss me”

Jesse kissed him gently while doing ungentle things to his cock.

“Faster? Is this better?”

Mike turned his head to the side moaning, “wait.”

Jesse stopped rubbing and held it upright from the base. He wiggled his hips side to side so his erection bumped into Mike’s. The older man smiled. “Did you mess around with anybody like this when you were younger?”

“No. Did you?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not the first guy to ever do this move on you?”

“No, but it’s been a long time. When I was a kid we called it sword fighting.”

Jesse stopped messing around and gave him big hard strokes down the entire length if it. If Mike was talking about something bad he wouldn’t still be hard. Jesse gave it to him as rough as he’d seen Mike do for himself. He pinched the nipple hard then ignored it again.

“Let it go Mike. Make my hand sticky.”

Mike came loudly gripping Jesse’s thighs with his big hands. He eased up immediately when the man on top of him said “Ow, too hard.”

“Sorry,” he whispered fast, rubbing where he’d grabbed. The younger man sat back and looked at the puddle of come on white hair and pink skin. He smeared it upwards on Mike’s stomach. Mike was catching his breath with his eyes closed. If Jesse had come in that position he would have sent streamers all up his chest, face, pillows. God, when he was fifteen he could shoot across a room.

“Your chest isn't bleeding so much anymore.”

“I know. It’s healing.”

The fixer raised himself to his elbows. “Do you want to come on my stomach? Mix them together?”

“I don’t know. Doesn't it hurt to prop yourself up like that?”

“Nothing hurts right now.” He kept looking at Jesse like he was something amazing. “Do you know what you want?”

Jesse took off his remaining piece of clothing. “Hand job I guess.”

Mike touched Jesse’s cock very lightly on the underside. This must have been what he meant by teasing. Jesse kept looking down at what was happening to him. These fingers felt different than his own and very different from a woman’s.

“Can I tell you what I want to do to you?” Mike asked.

Jesse’s voice didn't work on the first try. “Yes,” he managed on the second try. His hand was at rest in the come puddle on Mike. This two dicks and no condoms situation was making him realize he had a thing for it. He wanted Mike to use it as lube on his cock. He didn't know if that was a thing or not. He felt shy.

“I want you to sit on my face so I can kiss your balls and lick the insides of your thighs. Then when you can’t stand it anymore, I’ll take you in my mouth.”

Jesse looked up from the tender hand job.

“I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to, or if I didn't think you’d like it.” Mike tugged Jesse’s hand, as a suggestion of where he wanted him to be, bringing his whole body up and closer. Once Jesse had his knees in the right position by Mike’s shoulders he stopped worrying about accidentally bumping the injury. His member was sticking straight out, aching. He held onto the headboard to steady himself. He hadn't ever done this but it seemed like the angle could work. There was room to lean forward if it was actually going to happen, if Mike didn't change his mind. His self-consciousness faded when Mike guided him down by pulling on the tops of his thighs. Jesse considered stopping but then he felt suction on the sensitive skin of his inner thigh.

“Come down a little more so I can rest my neck.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure. If I need a break I’ll nudge you. It’ll be fine.” Jesse forgot the part about balls and lined up the head of his cock with the man’s mouth. He looked at Mike again to ask if it was okay. Mike licked the slit and reassured him, “I want to. I want taste you. It’s okay. You’re perfect.”

Jesse lowered a tiny bit more and Mike took in the tip. Jesse pulled out and Mike opened his eyes exhaling warm breath and saying, “Let me take care of you, Kid. I want this.” Jesse’s anxiety dissipated and he slid in further than before. After a few slow thrusts he stopped concentrating and let Mike’s mouth pull him in deep. He put his forehead down on the headboard and held on tightly with one hand while the other held his Mike’s hand. He started to bite the headboard and bit his arm instead. He’d had problems before with the stupid shit during sex. Calling Mike a bitch or even just saying it in general would be mortifying. Mike had certainly done this before. Christ, he’d probably done this before Jesse was born. God he was good at it.

“Stop, I’m almost there. Hold on.”

He pulled out so Mike could answer, “You want to shoot on my stomach?”

“I don’t know. Seemed rude to do it in your mouth.”

“I said I wanted to taste you. That includes your spunk.” He let Mike sucked him back in and he came harder than he ever had before. It felt like it went on for a long time. He could feel Mike swallowing it, swallowing him. There was no signal to pull out so he stayed deep until his body started to still and regain shape. Mike’s eyes were closed. He sucked slightly when Jesse pulled away causing a lewd pop. Jesse’s body was confused whether it was recuperating or getting ready to go again.

He used the headboard for support so he wouldn't lose his balance and knee his lover in the bandage. It was too much effort to lie down. He slumped upright. Was it weird to be touching the top of Mike’s bald head? The other man got up and said he’d be right back.

Jesse didn't stay awake but he remembered where he was and who he was with. He could hear the shower. He knew Mike said something to him but he wasn't coherent enough to hear it. He let himself be moved down in the bed under the sheet. He could hear the fridge door open all the way across the house. He could hear the fixer on the phone in another room fixing things.

“On second thought, yeah let’s meet - if you think it’ll calm you down to get pistol whipped for a while. Yeah well, that's what you get paid for.”

He was probably sitting in his old man chair drinking a beer, putting check marks in his notebook next to names he should threaten and names he should reassure. Jesse needed to take a piss. When he finally did get up and use the john, it was getting dark out. Mike was on the phone laughing. Jesse went down the hall and listened.

“No, you broke the pink hippo. How could I do it? You never let me use that one . . . Hold on a second, you think I play when you’re not here?” Mike laughed and acknowledged Jesse. There was space to sit next to him on the couch. “Okay, have a good dinner. Yeah, I’ll talk to your mom about it. Okay. Love you too. Bye Baby.”

Mike looked at him standing in the hallway in his underwear. “You okay?”

Jesse smiled and nodded. “Can you take a break?”

“From phone calls? I’m done. Just waiting for the DEA to call the house line. It should be tonight, maybe tomorrow.”

Jesse was going to go put clothes on but that got his attention. “You don’t think they’ll come here do you? They know me. Hank knows I’ve sold the blue. If he sees us together, we won’t be able to talk our way out of it.”

“They’re going to call and make an appointment for me to go down to the station and be interviewed. There’s no way they have enough for a warrant already. If, for some reason, Hank just dropped by I wouldn’t open the door. You know you don’t have to open the door for him.”

“Did Saul show you those pictures? What an asshole.”

Mike straightened up the papers on his coffee table, “I saw it in the DEA internal investigation file. You weren’t using then. Why were you so stupid?”

“He couldn’t charge me with anything. How was I supposed to know he’d go ape shit police brutality on me.”

“You made him think his wife was dying.”

“Well it worked.”

“The plan worked for Walter, at your expense.”

“Ugh. I get it already. He’s a bomb or whatever. I was just asking if you have more work to do or if you can hang out.”

“Jesse, if you start cooking with him again, he’ll get you arrested or killed.”

There were little birds outside swooping at the twilight bugs. Maybe they were bats. That’d be cool. They didn’t care about anything. They just ate insects and tried to not get eaten by a cat.

“I need to work Mike. I have expenses and when I’ve tried to get a legit job, it just doesn’t work. On paper, on a resume, I’m nothing.”

“Both of those reasons are valid, but pride in your work is different from money.”

“Not pride. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. It’s not like that.”

“Yes you are. In Mexico when that machine said 96.2 percent, you were proud of your cook. We were proud of you.”

“It’s just meth.”

It was stupid to be in front of the window when it was getting dark outside. Jesse went and put his clothes on. When he came back the curtains were closed and Mike was sitting on the couch taking something out of his notebook.

“Are your notes in code?” Jesse asked.

“Yeah, my own kinds of sloppy shorthand that I change up every once in a while. I don’t want the cops to read it, but I think that if they did they wouldn’t get much out of it.”

Mike handed him two plastic cards. “This is just a short term fix if you need to run, an Arizona driver’s license and a credit card in the same name. So you could buy gas or get a hotel room and it would be very easy for me to find you. Obviously, I got them before I knew you were starting up again. You need them even more now.”

Jesse sat down and looked at them. Forest Thompson. It was the photo from his real driver’s license, different birthday but same year. A credit card? What the fuck? He gave Mike a questioning look.

“What’s wrong? It’s for an emergency. I’m not saying you will have to run right away, just save it. You should have a better kit with a birth certificate, bank account, passport, clothes, cash, a gun. This is just enough for running. The ID isn’t in the DMV system; it wouldn’t help if you got pulled over. It’s just the kind kids get to buy beer. It will be enough to convince at hotel clerk to accept the credit card.”

“Who pays the credit card bill?”

“You’re missing the point.”

“I don’t want it to be like this, Mike. You can’t give me a credit card.”

“This is not so you can go out and buy yourself something pretty for the next time I see you. This,” picking up the cards angrily, “is so I will have a head start on the cops if we get separated.”

“I don’t want this to be like it was before when you were my boss.”

“I’m not trying to be your boss. I’m trying to help you. I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

“I know you have, and I appreciate it, but I want us to be equals.”

“What does that mean? Of course we’re equals.” Mike added, “Is this because I still call you Kid?”

Jesse straightened up a little. “No. I like it when you call me that. Just don’t call me ‘son’ and we’re cool. I gotta smoke.” He went through the kitchen to the backyard.

When he came back in he sat in the same spot on the couch next to Mike and said, “You’re right. I was bitchy cause I needed a cigarette. You’re right that real hotels don’t like cash even if you have a ton of it.”

Mike ran his fingers along the tattoo on his hand. Jesse thought about how he’d seen the man strangle someone with a wire only weeks ago. The memory didn’t scare him or turn him on. It was just something Mike had done for his job. Mike spoke quietly, “I want to find a way that we can continue to see each other. We can try to stay, but even with the laptop out of the picture it might still be smarter to run. The investigation is going to go on for a long time. I was on the Pollos payroll.”

“I’m doing this thing, Mike. We’ve already started looking for a location. I have everything we need except the methylamine. I know he can be a pain in the ass, but we work well together. We can make money and no one will get hurt.”

“If it’s only about the money- ”

Jesse didn’t want to hear the end of the sentence. “No, it’s more than that.”

* * *

 

 

They were snuggled up under a blanket watching a WWII movie when Andrea called. Jesse went outside to take it. Ever since Brock got sick he’d been picking up every time she called. She didn’t want anything in particular. He smoked while they talked. She didn’t ask where he was because he would have said so already if he was at home and wanted to hang out. He let her assume he was making or selling drugs.

“Sorry about that,” he said to Mike when he came back in.

“Why? She is your girlfriend.” It was clear from his tone that he didn’t need that fact to change.

It had occurred to Jesse a while ago that Andrea and Mike were opposites in the way they looked and acted. Mike was not an addict. Mike did hurt people. The biggest difference might be that Mike knew almost everything about him.

“Do you still see anybody else?” Jesse asked.

“Why do you want to know?”

“Because you’re too mysterious. You won’t talk about your son. You won’t even tell me what tattoo you used to have. You know every single thing about me and my dating history. Are you having sex with anyone besides me?”

“Why would you want to know that? The answer will either make you feel jealous or guilty.”

“I want to know more about you.” Mike wasn’t answering, so Jesse added, “It would make sense if it was a professional, because you value your privacy and like to keep things simple.”

“Does that bother you?”

Jesse looked at him. “Why would that bother me? I’m the slut one who can’t even remember everyone he’s been with. And you know I’ve hooked up with Wendy, right? ”

“You and Wendy don’t do that anymore do you?”

“No. We’re just friends. It was a long time ago.”

“That’s good. It’s nothing against her personally; she just has a high risk occupation.”

“Have you seen your guy since you’ve been back from Mexico?”

“How do you know it’s just the one guy?”

“Because you like to order the same food at the same restaurants all the time. And because you probably do a background check and full medical work up on everyone you sleep with. It’d be a time saver to just have one guy.”

“No, I haven’t seen him. One younger man at a time is all I can handle.”

How much younger? Jesse didn’t want to be a type. “How old is he?”

“Forties.”

“You’ve been seeing this same guy for a long time? Do you guys talk?”

“Since about the time I moved here. I don’t know why you want to know about this. We meet at a hotel three or four times a month. He used to work for an escort service, but he quit to spend more time with his wife and kids. When we met online he was already freelance. He has three regular clients and the wife. He appreciates that I’m not promiscuous. We’ve always used protection. I don’t know how much detail you want on that, safer than what you and I just did.”

“That’s a long time; you must be friends by now?”

“Nope.”

* * *

 

 

Jesse’s parents had been so wrong about him, and now they were missing out. He held Brock up by the middle so he could tape the streamers up. The little guy was taking too long so Jesse tickled him. Brock’s buddy, who was watching from below, laughed at them and put too many Doritos in his mouth. The grown-up’s phone rang, so he tossed the kid on the couch and answered it.

“Hey what’s up?” The boy's roughhousing drove him outside.

“Can you talk?” Mike asked.

“Yeah. That’s why I’m answering. They’re over here and we’re getting ready for Brock’s party pretty soon.”

“Can you get away for a little bit?”

“Is this a work type thing?”

“No. Not really. Two of my guys were killed. You’re not in danger. This is a personal call. I was hoping I could see you.”

Jesse looked back at the house. The boys were sliding their faces down the window upturning their noses on the glass for Jesse’s benefit. He didn't know how to ask Mike what this was about. “Uh. Do you mean you’re upset?”

“If you can’t that’s fine. I know you've been planning this party for a long time.”

“I can bail early and see you tonight. This thing starts soon and I still have to clean the grill and go get the piñata and candy.”

“I’ll get the stuff for you. All kids like the same disgusting candy like Airheads and Pop Rocks. He probably wants Pokémon shape. I’ll get a few and you can pick. I can leave right now and that’ll give us half an hour to get it done and a half and hour together.”

Jesse cleaned the grill, hosed off the patio furniture, changed clothes and kissed Andrea goodbye.

When he got to the motel and saw Mike’s face, he felt bad that he couldn't stay longer. He pulled the man in close and held him.

“Who was it?”

“The chemical warehouse guy Chow, who you wouldn't have known, and Chris.”

Jesse had no idea who Chris was. He used to see those guys around, but he hadn't officially met all of them. He didn't know what to say. Mike was clamped onto him and breathing into his neck. He rubbed the back of Mike’s head and kissed his cheek. He said he was sorry. He didn't say that he loved him because Mike probably already knew and having that conversation might add stress.

Mike said, “I thought I could handle it but I can’t.”

Jesse didn't want to know if Mike was talking about the deaths or the fact that Jesse’s other family took up so much of his time. He had a bad idea. “You could come to this thing. I could say we used to work together at the laundry or something. You did my interview when I started and you’re like a mentor now because I might want to be a P.I.”

Mike shook his head. “I have to drive to Houston and kill someone.”

“Do you need help?”

“No. I just need you for this part.”

* * *

 

 


	6. Partners

When Jesse dropped off the first batch, it was late and Mike was the only one in the Vamonos Pest office. He looked up from his paperwork. “How did it go?”

“Really good. 49.27 pounds. All the equipment worked. Listen, can I talk to you here? It’s not bugged or anything?”

“No, it’s not bugged. Have a seat.”

Jesse paced and said “I think he knows about us.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He was laying it on thick about how I should marry Andrea.”

“He say anything else?”

“He trusts me and I can tell her everything if I want to.”

“Reverse psychology. He wants you to break it off with her, loose lips and all that. I’m sure your happiness doesn’t factor in at all for him.”

Jesse let that one go. “What do you think I should do?”

Mike angrily threw back, “I think you should grow a pair and make your own decisions.”

“What’s your problem? We cook together. We’re gonna talk.”

“You cook fine on your own.”

“I don’t want to hear that shit anymore Mike. You already agreed. It’s the three of us now.”

* * *

 

 

Lydia wouldn’t explain “an ocean of methylamine” with all of them there. The dank building was making Jesse claustrophobic anyway. He needed some sunshine and a smoke, so he convinced Mike to step outside with him.

“Just give him a minute will ya? Trust him.”

“Trust him? Oh Jesus.”

Jesse shook his head. That conversation was well worn. Mr. White wasn’t the problem right now, Lydia was. He made sure Mr. White wasn’t coming out and stepped closer to Mike. “You never told me that she put a hit out on you. That’s all you had to say. You said she was a lunatic. An example like that she tried to waste you would have been helpful.”

“I thought you were going to get me out here alone and lead with the poor orphan daughter.”

“No. That kid will probably be better off without a murderous bitch for a mother. I can’t believe you didn't tell me.”

Mike kept his voice low. “It’s better if we only talk shop when Walter’s there. It hides us and it helps him think he has some control.” Mike was checking the roofs of the building around them. He might not have even noticed he was doing it.

“Did you really let her live because she’s a woman?”

“I don’t know. I thought she could keep her shit together long enough for me to make my guys whole and refill Kaylee’s college fund.” Mike looked him in the eye. “You know that if she’s in there blowing smoke up Walter’s ass, there won’t be any choice. She will have nothing to offer us. You get that right?”

“I get it.”

“Come here, away from the door.”

Jesse dropped the cigarette and came close, over where Mr. White wouldn't be able to see if he decided to come out. He looked around the alley and said, “This is a bad idea with him right inside.”

“It might be a while till we can be alone again. I don't like threatening her in front of you. You know it's just part of the job?”

Jesse slipped his hands inside Mike’s jacket, ignoring the gun. “I know. Maybe we should call in sick and go get a room.”

Mike hummed a little beginning of a laugh and pointed. “The building would work.”

The abandoned warehouse was wide open inside except for a room that used to be the office. The walls only went up halfway and the glass had been broken out from the upper half. A half wall was better than nothing and way better than a dark supply closet or bathroom. Jesse kissed him and Mike allowed himself to be backed against the partial wall. Jesse never thought for a second that he was the stronger of the two. Either Mike liked to give up control or he knew Jesse needed it. They both liked it right then. He kissed Mike hard like he had to convey all his admiration in just a few minutes before going back to business mode.

Jesse dropped down and breathed on the front of Mike’s slacks. This wasn’t going to be the greatest on his first try but enthusiasm and ambiance had to count for something. He didn't look up at Mike. He didn't ask before unzipping his pants and releasing his dick. Mike held on to the partial wall and a small piece of broken glass fell. Jesse had a quick flash of memory: Gus saying “you can do this” when they were in the prop plane. This would be the worst time to laugh. He held it steady in his hand and licked the head. The penis itself tasted good, which he wasn’t expecting. The skin was smooth and a little bit sweet. Next time he would take his time licking it. If it wasn’t so dim in the abandoned industrial building he could have seen what he was doing. That would also be better next time.

His mouth wasn’t big enough to do the things he wanted to do. He tried and got about halfway. Mike sounded happy. Jesse used his hand in time with the bobbing of his head, so maybe it would feel like it was all mouth. Both of Mike’s hands were clamped onto the ledge of the half wall.

Jesse stood up whispered, “Is that okay so far. You’re white knuckling it like you’re at the dentist.”

“I’m trying to not push forward.”

“Oh. Do I do that to you?”

“I love it when you do it,” Mike answered. “We have to hurry up and get back. We can’t mess up our clothes.” His eyelids fluttered because Jesse was still handling him. “So do you want it in your mouth or on the floor?”

Jesse squatted down before answering. “I want it in my mouth. I promise not to get any on you, even if I don’t like the taste.”

“That makes it sound like a dominance game. It’s,” Mike stopped talking for a second while Jesse sucked him. “Practical,” he managed to say before he was reduced to moaning softly. Jesse more or less did it the way Wendy had recommended. He hadn't counted on being so turned on by it that he would salivate. It felt good that he could do this and that he actually liked it. No one but Mike would ever know. It wasn’t gayer than what he’d already done. It didn't matter if it was. It was what the two of them wanted to do. He told himself again that it was okay that he liked it. Mike liked sucking dick and he was more masculine than anyone. Jesse slid his lips further and took a lot of it in his mouth a couple of thrusts in a row.

By the time Mike warned him, it was already happening. Jesse kept his lips tight and moved his head back so only the tip was in his mouth. He thought he could feel it release onto his tongue, but his mouth was really wet, so it was hard to tell. The underside of Mike’s cock pulsed. Then Jesse tasted it and knew for sure. It had a much stronger taste than he was expecting. He let it stay in his mouth for a second before he swallowed it and licked the slit.

Mike put himself away while Jesse stood up and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. The aftertaste was stronger than the taste. “I’m gonna look through Lydia’s car for some gum.” He touched Mike’s hand. “Okay?”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” Mike called out when he was a few feet away, “Wear gloves.”

Lydia had weird natural sap gum in the center console that Jesse rejected. He ate a few of her mints and popped the trunk. He had just opened a box of animal crackers when Mr. White came out. “You’re eating her daughter’s food now?” he accused like it mattered. “She says there are maps and documents in here that will explain how we get the methylamine.”

Jesse countered, “We might be wasting time that could be spent stealing those barrels.”

“No, she has something. We just need to go over the specifics. Where’s Mike?”

Jesse made a “how should I know?” face.

* * *

 

 

On the long drive back in the van with Mr. White, Jesse kept thinking about different variations on the theme of tying up the engineer and conductor. For every idea he came up with he already knew how one or both of his partners would shoot it down.

Mr. White didn't look worried or conflicted. If it came to a vote, Mr. White would vote murder and be perfectly willing to do it himself. That coin toss over Krazy 8 was a very long year ago.

* * *

 

 


	7. Sad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings below. This chapter is harsh.

The only thing worse that Mike and Mr. White bitching at each other, was them agreeing to do the wrong thing.

Jesse left without saying a word to either of them. He wanted to get high. He wanted to smoke so much crystal that there wouldn't be room for thoughts or feelings. There would just be crystal and no Jesse.

He did not take the first turn towards the Crystal Palace. At every stop sign he wanted to. The idea of smoking a teenth and fucking Wendy was persistent. She was supposedly a loser, but she was a better person than his partners. She was a better person than him. Wendy would never have agreed to keep working with Todd. She would have bought him off no matter how expensive it was. If Jesse went there now she would let him cry and not ask for details. Or he could get with the man whore she was talking about. Get fucked up. Get fucked by a stranger. Maybe he should give up on everything, get a room there and see how long his money would last. He would only be hurting himself. Nobody but him would be hurt by his choices anymore. Seeing how long it took to die from glass would be more ethical than being a part of this machine that kept chewing up kids.

He parked in front of his house and went in straight up to bathroom. He made the bath too hot and got in. His skin was red everywhere the water touched him. Jesse was glad it hurt. He thought about getting fucked by a strange man. He could ask Wendy for the guy’s number, have him come over. That way he wouldn't actually go to the Palace, wouldn't be tempted to use. He put one finger in himself underwater without lube. It didn't feel good or bad it just felt strange. Mike loved this. A lot of people loved this. 

When he was cleaning up his house after the crazy days he had kept it without knowing where it came from. He got out of the tub and got the big peach butt plug from the box in the back of his closet. He set it on the bed and tried to use it. There was some pain in the pressure of it trying to breach him. He persisted and the tip went in dry. A dildo was what he needed but he didn't have one. He gave up on getting it any further dry and smeared spit on his asshole before he pushed himself down on the toy again. One hand braced him on the bed while the other held the toy steady. It went in this time and he had all the pain he wanted. He curled forward on the bed with his face down. The pillow muffled his crying. Again he wished he had a huge dildo that he could work in and out. He tried it with the plug then gave up and just left it in place while he beat off. He felt shame before, during, and after his orgasm. The smell of his semen made him sick. He left the thing in while he sobbed into the bed.

The doorbell rang. Jesse painfully pulled it out and washed it before hiding it again. He got back in the still extremely hot bath. That whole sex thing must have taken less time than he thought.

Mike texted: _I’m sorry. Please talk to me. I’m outside_

Jesse dropped the phone on the bath mat. It rang. Caller restricted. He answered and Mike said, “I’m glad you picked up.”

“Why?”

“Could you let me in?”

“Why?”

“I wish you weren’t alone right now. If you’re pissed at me, maybe you could talk to someone else. Maybe Andrea.”

Jesse was crying, “I have no right to ask for her help.”

“I know but your other friends all use. We could go to a meeting.”

“Is that what you and _Walter_ talk about?” He said Mr. White’s first name hatefully. “You two wring your hands and say, ‘How do we keep our little junkie’s nose clean?’ Meanwhile that piece of shit fucking child murderer. . . You don’t even care what he did.”

“I care.” Mike sounded too sad for Jesse to continue. “Can I see you please? Will you let me in?”

“I’m sure you know how to pick a lock. Just do whatever you’re going to do.”

“No, that’s not- ”

Jesse hung up on him and put on track pants and his jack-o-lantern shirt. His legs were shaky so he laid down. He heard the front door open and Mike say, “It’s just me.” Mike came up and sat on the bed. “It wouldn't do any good to fire him and pay him off. He didn't take pleasure in it. He didn't feel anything. He won’t kill anyone else if we keep him away from the lab. We won’t ever have him in another situation where he has to protect a secret. He won’t be part of the team. He’ll be a fumigator who stays out of our way. I’ll set it up so you never have to see him. I’ll tell Ira that Todd can only work on houses we don’t cook in. You won’t ever have to see him again.”

“Me seeing him is not the problem. The problem is that a little boy is dead. I saw him reach for the gun and I didn't react fast enough. It was like when that guy got shot at the chicken farm and I froze, but this time I froze before the thing happened. I should have grabbed it. If I was faster I could have tackled him.”

The older man shook his head. “No offense, but I don’t think so.”

“That kid’s parents are calling everywhere right now trying to find their son. Maybe they think he’s at a friend’s house or his bike broke down, but they’re going to start worrying more and more. It’s dark out. It’s going to get worse and worse for them and then after days or weeks they’ll maybe assume he’s dead, but still hope.” Jesse was crying hard. “They won’t have anything to bury. They won’t know what happened or if he’s still out there. . . if he’s kidnapped, if he’s hurt. We could make it a tiny bit easier. Wouldn't you want to know?”

“Jesse. Stop. Stop."

"I need to get high.”

“What about drunk?”

Jesse rubbed the side of his face. “I guess that’d be better than nothing.”

Mike went outside and came back with a bottle of scotch within a few minutes.

“Did you have that in your car?”

“Yeah. I parked a couple blocks away. The DEA has been tailing me.”

Jesse narrowed his eyes. Mike took a long pull and handed over the bottle. Jesse didn’t take a drink right away. He asked, “You’ve seen the DEA tailing you?”

“It’s a problem. I’m working on it. If I can fence the methylamine it won’t matter how hard they look at me there will be nothing to see.”

“He won’t go for that. He thinks the world deserves his meth. He talks about it like he’s curing cancer or winning a noble prize instead of just making fucked up people more fucked up. He won’t sell. He’s already got his little calculator out and made a plan.”

“We could sell our two thirds and retire. We need to get away from these people. Did you talk to the vacuum guy?”

“I was going to. I haven’t yet.”

“Shit. Well, there’s other guys. If we have to run first and then figure it out, that could still work. Remember if we get separated use that credit card I gave you. I was already thinking about selling the stuff, but now it’s even more . . . You still want to go right?

“I’d leave right now without the methylamine or money.” Jesse chugged the whiskey. “Tastes like moss.”

“It’s called peat.”

“I would leave with you right now.”

* * *

 

 

He woke up next to Mike. He felt groggy and heartbroken but not drunk anymore, so he found the bottle and remedied that. Mike yawned, shifted and watched him.

“Yo, you want some?”

“No thanks. I have Kaylee this morning.”

Jesse kept drinking while Mike did stuff like get up and start the coffee. Jesse watched him get out his change of clothes from the bedroom closet and hang them in the bathroom to steam while he showered. Jesse was feeling the liquor by then. He sat on the bathroom counter and conversed with Mike in the shower. “I was going to get an iron and ironing board for you. We used to have one. My Aunt Ginny used to have one, but my parents took it. Maybe I should just hold off, if we have to leave like soon, like a couple of days soon.” Mike didn't say anything. Jesse was waiting for the man to tell him to leave the whiskey alone till after noon or five PM or some other arbitrary time. “Maybe days Mike? Maybe weeks? Can you give me an estimate?”

Mike talked to him through the shower curtain, “You might want to visit your parents and your brother, just in case.”

“They left me. I didn't leave them.” The water shut off and Mike opened the curtain. Jesse handed him a fluffy towel not the beach one. He got back on the counter out of the man’s way.

Jesse watched the razor clear away shaving cream and whiskers from Mike’s cheeks and then the line above his mustache. He loved watching Mike do stuff like this. He loved watching him make food or shine his shoes.

When he first started shaving, Jesse had cut himself all time. All he knew about it was from commercials. His dad had always closed the bathroom door when Jesse was little and by the time Jesse needed to know they weren't getting along. Around that time his dad took the blade out of a disposable razor for Jake so they could play shave together in the mornings.

Mike went over his face with a warm washcloth. Jesse could objectively tell that the man was attractive, but he was too weighed down to feel the attraction. He didn't feel anything but sad. “I really wanted to use yesterday.”

“I know. I can support you but I can’t guard you. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I’m out of my depth. The alcohol was probably a mistake. It was what I wanted not what you needed. My instinct is to follow you all the time to make sure you’re staying clean but that’s not a relationship.”

“You did that when this was a party house.”

“I did it way before that. Fring wanted to know about you guys before he’d do business.”

“Even before Jane died?”

“Yeah. It was just about the drug use. I’m sorry. I just followed you by car. No audio.” Jesse didn't see how it mattered. Mike looked relieved that Jesse didn't have a big reaction. “Everything I've read and heard is that I can’t do much about your addiction. You’re in charge of your own sobriety. I’m not going to spy on you again.”

“Yeah, fine. I’m handling it.”

But Mike wasn't quite done with what he had to say. “Jesse. I don’t want to give you an ultimatum. Maybe I do. If you went back to the meth I couldn't handle it. It was hard to watch when I didn't know you. Now . . . just don’t take any today, okay.”

“I’m not going to. I got through last night without it. I got through that. Hopefully that was the worst day of my life. God, I hope that was as bad as it’s gonna get. I can do it. I won’t see my friends that are using. I’ll do the things I’m supposed to be doing.” Jesse held the empty bottle. “I’m just sad.”

Mike kept his hands on the counter. There was a tension that kept them from touching. “I know. You’re not built for this line of work. You’re not a bad man.”

“Neither are you.”

“Eh. The point is . . . the other thing I was going to say is - you cannot contact the boy’s family. They’ll be on the news soon if they’re not already. But you can’t do anything about it. Not even anonymously.”

“I know. I’m not stupid Mike. It’s still me. I get it.” Jesse got off the counter. “I burned my bridges pretty bad for any of the NA meetings nearby, but I could drive out to Santa Fe. Get out of here for a while.”

“That’s a good plan. I don’t think I’ll be able to see you again till tomorrow night at the soonest anyway. You can always call me. I’ll pick up if I can.”

Jesse started crying again as he went downstairs to put the scotch bottle in the recycle bin.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains self-harm, sexual violence, and deals with addiction in a more intense way than previous chapters. 
> 
> Remember back when Jesse’s house was full of tweekers and there was a butt plug on the bookshelf - S4 E2, 18 minutes in. That was weird.


	8. Outwitted

When Jesse got a call from the Vamanos office instead of Mike’s cell, he knew it couldn't be good. When he heard Mr. White’s voice on the line, he knew everything was fucked. He did not sound tied up at all. “Jesse, I don’t know if you were in on this or not, but circumstances have changed.”

“If you killed Mike I swear to God- ”

“So you knew he was planning something like this. Jesus Jesse after everything I've done for you. He chained me to the radiator!”

“Where is he? Is he okay?”

“He said he had business to attend to. And I’m fine too, by the way. I had to burn myself to get out of the restraints.”

“I’m coming down there.”

“Good. We have a lot to talk about. Your little plan to steal my share is off the table.”

Jesse said, “It’s not stealing. You still get your cut.”

Mr. White had already hung up.

* * *

 

 

When Mr. White smirked and used his Heisenberg voice to say “everybody wins” Jesse knew that he had to get the two of them separated or the teacher would die. Mike was mad enough to shove Jesse out of the way. He was mad enough to do anything. 

Jesse coaxed, "Come on. Let’s go outside. I’ll explain it to you. He’s not going anywhere.”

Mike holstered his piece and followed him into the parking lot.

“Where is it?” the fixer asked him straight up at soon as they were out of earshot.

“What the fuck kind of question is that? If I knew where it was, I would have already brought it back here. He knows that. That’s why he moved it first, before he called me. Great job on tying him up by the way. I’ve only been here a couple of minutes. He didn't just take it. He has a plan.”

“I need to get this done today, Jesse. It had to be today.”

Jesse explained Mr. White’s plan. Mike still looked disgusted. Jesse tried to reassure him, “I think Declan will go for it.”

“Or he’ll threaten to shoot you if Walt doesn't tell them where it’s hidden. He might know how close you guys are. This is a small world. You could be the leverage. That’s if Declan even believes him that he’s the only one who knows where it is. Did he say anything about this plan last night at his house?”

Jesse wanted to say “fuck you” but he changed it at the last minute. “He didn't tell me shit. Do you know why he didn't tell me shit, Mike? Because he knows I want to sell and get out of the business. And he knows I talk to you. He knows we’re tight. I don’t know if he’s figured all of it out yet, but he will. We need to get the money and get out of here.”

“Hopefully it won't come to that. How did he say he was going to buy you out? Declan would pay me. Who would pay you?”

“We'll figure it out. You and I would need to play along and say our goodbyes in front of him. Then I’ll get my cash out of him and we’ll both be done." Jesse kicked a pebble and looked at a passing car. “I think he can pull it off. Declan’s using food coloring. That’s the only way he could be getting that color with the levels he’s putting out. I think he’ll want in. He’s into making money; whereas you know, on the other hand, Mr. White is just off the deep end. He told me he’s in the empire business.”

“You told me. What if I get him to tell me where it is? We have a couple of hours.”

“You mean like putting a gun at his head? I think he’s gotten used to that by now.”

Mike frowned. “Or threatening his son. He knows I couldn't hurt the baby, but I could convince him that I would hurt the son.”

Jesse exhaled and crossed his arms. “You want to traumatize a handicapped teenager? He’ll believe you, but his dad won’t. He knows you’re good at threats. If I was him I wouldn't believe you could follow through on it.”

“People are emotional about their kids. He might cave if I walk him through how easy it would be.” Mike looked at Jesse’s face and changed course. “Fine. What about hurting him? Walter, I mean. A broken shin or dislocated shoulder feels like the end of the world but it’s not lethal. He’d be as good as new just in time to die of lung cancer. I’d even give the son-of-a-bitch his cut.”

Jesse lit a cigarette. “I can’t.”

“You wouldn't have to be there.”

“I can’t sign off on it. I think we have to do his deal.”

Mike tried logic one last time. “He’s not our partner anymore, Jesse. When he got outvoted he stole from us and hijacked the plan. If the roles were reversed he’d hurt you to get the methylamine back. He let you get run over by a train just to get the last couple gallons. What do you think he’d do for the whole tank? He let Hank beat the shit out of you to save his own neck. He abandoned you before you had to go do that big cook in Mexico. You said he could have just coached you for a couple of hours but he threw a tantrum instead, just like the one he’s throwing right now. This is just off the top of my head, not counting Gale.”

“No." Jesse took a drag and looked Mike in the eye. "He might not be our partner anymore, but he's still my partner. I owe him. Cooking is all he has. His wife hates him. His kids are at Hank's.”

Mike looked up and to the side like he did when he was extremely pissed. He scanned the parking lot even though no one had come or gone. Jesse was scared that he didn't have the pull to protect Mr. White.

“Fine. Your head isn't right about this, but fine. When we get out there, don’t say anything at all. If his ship sinks, we jump off.”

* * *

 

 


	9. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where my story breaks away from the show.

Mr. White wouldn’t just do a favor for Mike. Jesse didn’t know exactly what the man had in mind, but he knew there had to be a reason for him to volunteer to take Mike’s bag to him. In Saul’s office, in the moment, he let it go, hung back. Let Mike and Mr. White iron out their details on speaker phone.

Saul didn’t expect him to leave right when Mr. White did. “Whoa, kid, I think he’s got it – bag ain’t that heavy. We still have to talk about these nine guys. He said nine right? That’s big number when it comes to criminals in lock up who have the chance to roll on you, and more importantly, me. Did my name ever come up?”

Jesse said, “I gotta go.” Mr. White had a one minute lead. Jesse started driving home as fast as he could without risking being pulled over. He called Skinny Pete and it went to voice mail. He tried Badger.

“Yo, Jesse, what’s up? You ever seen Battlestar Galactica!? I’m half way through season two and I definitely have a new favorite robot. She’s this tall. . .”

“Shut up. I need a favor.”

“What in Albuquerque?”

“Yeah, where else would I be? Where are you?”

“Dude, I’m in California. There are so many hot chi. . .”

Jesse hit the red phone button to hang up. He scrolled down to Wendy.

“Hey.”

“Hey Wendy are you busy? I need a favor. Just a ride. Nothing bad.”

“I don’t have a car.”

“I know. I have a car. I’ll pick you up, go somewhere, then you drive my car back.” Wendy wasn’t saying anything. “Please. I swear I just need a ride. It’s nothing violent or illegal. I’ll give you money. You can keep the car.”

“I can’t keep your car.”

“Okay. But can I pick you up. Can you do this for me?”

“Right now?”

“Right now. Are you at the Palace?”

“Pretty close. I’ll meet you in a couple minutes.”

He left his car running at the curb and hurried into his house. He ran down into the basement and chucked the decoy boxes of crap that covered the important box. His gym bag was still inside. It still contained his fake ID, credit card and gun that Mike gave him, plus stacks of cash and clothes. Was there anything else he needed? Didn’t matter, no time to think about it. He ran back out to his car without closing the front door. It took willpower to go close to the speed limit. Mr. White had to go out to the airport which was further but Jesse had to make two stops and he wasn’t exactly sure what turn off Mike was talking about. Hopefully Mr. White wasn’t sure either and would have to go slow and look for the telephone pole with the blue plastic tape.

Wendy was talking to some uniformed cops. Jesse parked on the far side of the lot and waited. The cops talked for four more minutes before driving off. Wendy looked over at him and he drove around to the alley to pick her up.

“Sorry. They were asking me if I’d seen this guy who stabbed a teenage girl.”

“You okay?” Jesse cared about the answer but he had started driving before her door was all the way closed.

Wendy nodded.

“I’ll drive us to this meet spot near an irrigation ditch. I think it’s more like a river. I haven’t been there before but I wrote it down. Then I’ll get out and you drive this car back into town. I’ll give you two thousand bucks and you can keep the car. You can have whatever out of my house, too.”

“You’re really leaving? Forever?”

“That’s the idea.”

“What if the person’s not there to pick you up?”

“They’re coming. Once I get out you need to leave and not come back no matter what and don’t tell anyone you saw me.”

“Do you have a cigarette?”

Jesse handed her the pack and lighter from his sweatshirt pocket. Without asking she lit one for him too.

“So the cops are after you?”

“I just have to go.”

“What about your secret boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. Uh, he's going too. We're going together."

They rode in silence for a few minutes.

Jesse was caught off guard by her next question, “Was the food good when you went to rehab?”

“Yeah. I think so, probably, I wasn’t hungry. Jane had just died and you know how it is when you stop using. Rehab was good though. It helped. You thinking about going to one of those places?”

“Maybe.”

They were on the right road now. The next turn was a few miles away.

“You should. It helped. Thanks for doing this. When you go back, can you go over to the highway? It’s way out of your way but I don’t want anyone to see this car. I didn’t think about it till now. It’d be bad if my partner saw this car.”

“Heisenberg? That’s who you were working with right? Did you steal from him or something?”

“No. He actually owes me a lot of money. He’s dangerous. Don’t stop the car till you’re around people. 

He hit a pothole too fast and apologized. Being in a hurry on a dirt road was nerve racking. Finally he saw it. “Yeah bitch! Blue tape.” Dust and gravel were kicked up by his sudden turn.

This last road went through a grove of cottonwoods. After less than a mile it dead ended at a river.The spot would be pretty if he wasn't so worried about what was about to happen. Jesse got out and grabbed his bag from the backseat. He took the paper wrapper off a stack of fifties and gave Wendy half of them. “Thank you so much. And thanks for everything else too. I won’t be able to call you. This is it.” 

Wendy leaned against the car in her high heeled sandals. “Shit. Are you sure you want to give me all this money?”

“Yes. I need you to go though. Right now. Don’t stop the car. Don’t tell anyone you were here. You can take the stuff from my house, but if you sleep there Heisenberg might . . . I don’t know. Just don’t stay there. Sell the stereo and TVs.”

“Okay. Bye.” She kissed him on the cheek. “I could drive straight to Phoenix from here.”

“You should. That’s an awesome idea.” Jesse wasn’t sure what else to say. Wendy didn’t have anything either. She got in the driver’s seat and Jesse headed for the bushes not turning around to see her flip a bitch and speed away.

He worried that if Mr. White saw the dust in the air he’d know that a car had been there and Jesse was hiding. He broke off a branch and swept away his footprints. The best spot was deep in the brush and not too close to the path to the water. He put his gym bag by his feet and lay on his stomach surveying the area. They would probably park where he had parked. It’d be weird if they drove into the trees at the sides or stopped way short of the turnaround. Which of them would get here first? It didn’t matter. He’d stay hidden either way. What mattered was that Mr. White left first. The ground was wetter than he’d expected. He was probably getting the front of his clothes muddy. Snipers in movies brought cardboard to lie on. Snipers also brought sniper rifles instead of a pistol. He might be too far back. It wouldn’t work if he was well hidden but unable to see what was going on. Putting mud on his face would help make him blend in, but if the hand-off went smoothly he would feel stupid running out there with dirt on his face and flagging Mike down for a ride. It should be enough that he was wearing a black sweatshirt and staying low.

He anticipated that they would fight. Once they started yelling at each other they wouldn’t notice if he crept closer. The bushes moved in the wind; it wouldn’t be too out of place for him move them a little as he crawled. He looked at his phone and turned it to silent mode. Mike’s numbers gave him the disconnected messages he was expecting when he tried them.

The way it would probably play out would be Mr. White antagonizing Mike and getting the shit kicked out of him. If that happened Mike would drive away first. Jesse would have to hustle to not get left behind, but who cared; the former teacher would be on the ground looking for his teeth anyway.

If Mr. White brought a gun, Jesse might have to shoot him.

He felt like he’d been laying there for at least forty minutes. He looked at his phone and saw it had only been eleven. He took out the battery. If Mike’s phones were gone there was no point anyway.

His brain went in bad directions worrying that he was in the wrong spot or that he felt a snake on his leg. He saw a car coming up the road stirring up dust. He recognized it as one of Mike’s older sedans. Jesse moved the gun from his pocket into his sweatshirt sleeve. He rested his chin on his hands. He wanted to smoke so bad.

Jesse was waiting and the driver was waiting too. After a few minutes he opened the car door. It had to be Mike. Mr. White got out of a car faster. Mike got out and looked around at the trees. Then he walked past Jesse’s hiding spot, down the dirt path to the water. It sounded like he was throwing rocks, no skipping rocks, skipping stones; that’s what it’s called. It was so quiet that Jesse could hear how many times each stone hit the surface of the water. Some of them just plunked in and he wondered if Mike had chucked them underhand. Jesse heard him bonking two rocks together like a dork. He felt bad about eavesdropping on somebody who was just hanging around wasting time like a little kid. Jesse loved him.

He heard the second car before he saw it. The fixer heard it too and walked up to meet it. They were parking much further away than he thought they would. There was Mr. White in his too tight khakis being an asshole right on schedule.

Jesse expected Mike to throw the first punch. He was pretty sure that’s how Mr. White got a black eye after Victor was killed. At a certain point, figuring out every detail about the past mattered a lot less than ending it and moving on. You have to keep moving forward. "You have to walk with who you are." Jesse could tell his thoughts were getting too dramatic because he was hiding with a gun while his two former partners argued. He could hear the therapist group leader guy Randy in his head poking – "former partners? Do you mean your mentor and your boyfriend?"

Focus.

He would only fire if he had to. He switched the safety off and he held his finger to the side of the trigger like Mike taught him. He had Heisenberg lined up.

When Mike turned and walked to his car the second time, Heisenberg remained standing in the same spot looking bat shit. Jesse couldn’t believe that Mike had turned his back on him when he was like that. He must not be able to read him. He crawled forward and as soon as Heisenberg turned his back, Jesse got out from under the plants and ran towards them. Mike started his car and was startled to see him. Mike left the car running and got out. Jesse signaled him without knowing what he meant by it, what he was trying to convey.

The enemy hadn't seen him yet because he was getting something, a gun, out of his front seat. Jesse raised his gun in both hands. He couldn’t see Mike behind him. Heisenberg was stunned for a millisecond before a look came over his face that was more hateful than anything Jesse had ever seen. Up until that moment Jesse had thought he might be able to talk his way out of it. He had thought maybe they could both lower their guns and Mr. White would let him leave. The former teacher’s expression made him realize that would never happen. Jesse braced himself for a speech about betrayal and perversion. Heisenberg wouldn't kill him without hurting him first.

He and Heisenberg both had their weapons raised when he heard the first shot. He had his finger on the trigger but he hadn’t aimed properly and there wasn't any kick back. Mr. White looked confused and there was a second shot. Two dark blotches on the front of his shirt grew. The shot man was unsteady and then he was down. Jesse looked over at Mike, who was holstering his weapon.

Jesse lowered his unfired gun.

Mike came up and said, “I had to. You're okay. Go ahead and sit down.”

He didn't sit down. He walked over to where Mr. White was sprawled on the ground. Jesse wondered if he would cry or throw up, but nothing happened. He had felt so much when he killed Gale. He couldn’t tell if he felt anything now. Down on his knees, he put a hand on the dying man's arm. Thank god he didn't have any last words. It was just blood and sputters until it was nothing at all. 

Mike crouched down next to him and said, “I have to put him in his car. Okay?”

Mike grabbed the body under the arms and dragged it towards the backseat of the car it came in. Jesse could see what he was doing but he didn’t understand it. Things were happening at the wrong speed without audio or with too much audio. The river was probably still flowing even though he couldn't hear it. The gunshots were still echoing, or maybe was that his imagination.

He set his gun down in the dust and wiped off his hands. He didn't need a gun anymore if Heisenberg was gone.

The two of them got the big pile of meat into the backseat. He climbed through the other rear door and pulled on Mr. White’s jacket while Mike shoved the legs. It was easier than getting a body up stairs or into a barrel.

Mike went back to his car and got a newspaper, which he rolled up and put in the gas tank hole.

Mr. White still had his glasses on. A fly landed on the dead man’s face and walked around like he owned it. How could it have known so quickly what had happened? Maybe flies could smell death. Maybe they came at the sound of gunshots.

There was a tugging at Jesse’s clothes. His man reached in his sweatshirt pocket, and made an irritated sound before pulling a lighter out of the other pocket. The fly buzzed up but came right back and walked on Mr. White’s eyeball. It would lay eggs which would become maggots and then flies. Mr. White would hate to be covered in flies. Mike looked worried. Mike pulled him away from the pile of meat and directed him to sit in the passenger seat of the other car.

“Stay here.”

“I’m not retarded.”

“I know, but I think you’re in shock.”

Mike started to close Jesse’s door.

“Wait. I have a bag with my stuff in the plants over there.”

“Okay. Get it, and we’re out of here.”

Jesse found the bag. He thought he could hear sirens. He put both of their bags in the back seat. He got out a cigarette, but couldn't find his lighter. Each thought was brand new without a connection to other previous thoughts; starting a zero over and over. He engaged the car’s lighter then immediately forgot what he had been waiting for and patted his pockets for a Bic.

He reminded himself that the most important thing was to get to the meeting place before they did. The most important thing was to get there fast and hide. Was Wendy going to be okay or would he get to her? He’s dead. It occurred to Jesse that he needed to make sure Heisenberg didn't have his gun anymore, just in case he woke up. They should check his pockets for pills that could help him heal. What if he’d been wearing a bullet proof vest?

Mike got in the driver’s seat and drove them forward of where he expected the car explosion to reach. Jesse set the unlit cigarette on his muddy pant leg and it rolled off.

“Mike, what if he’s not completely dead?”

Mike looked at him with even more concern than he had before. “He’s dead. Do you want to say goodbye to him before I blow up the car?”

“He could have like made a bullet proof vest and fake blood. He . . . He’s smarter and luckier than us.”

“Jesse if you have to go look at him again, make it quick. I’m absolutely certain he’s dead.”

“Where is his gun?”

“It was actually mine I put it back in my bag.”

“You think the car will explode if the gas tank lights on fire from a newspaper?”

“I know it will. I have to do it right now, so we can get out of here. Someone may have heard the gunshots. Jesse, do you understand? I’m going to blow up the car now. He’s in there. He’s dead now and he’ll pretty much be cremated by the fire.”

Jesse nodded erratically like he was dizzy or he’d forgotten how nodding worked.

He turned around in his seat and watched out the back window while Mike lit the paper.

Mike was sitting next to him all of the sudden, watching it in the side view mirror saying under his breath, “Come on. Light.”

The car exploded and caught at least one tree on fire. Mike got them out of there.

* * *

 

 

Jesse eventually figured out a cigarette and smoked. He said yes when Mike asked if he was okay. He returned the question and Mike said, “Yeah. No bullet holes. No, new ones at least.”

“Mentally, are you okay?”

“Me? I’m just worried about you. I’m fine. I know you two had a lot of history and it’s going to be hard for you. It’s hard for me to see you go through something like this, but I’m comfortable with the way it played out. You saved me. We’re out. We’re together.”

The word “comfortable” struck Jesse wrong.

Mike looked over at him. “I’m still thinking west. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. Can you keep talking to me?”

“Sure. We’re in pretty good shape. By the time Declan starts looking for us we’ll be long gone. Lydia has bigger problems than us right now. We’re in the clear except the DEA and APD. We keep driving; we throw away our old clothes, phones, ID’s, everything. We’ll get new stuff in Gallup.”

Jesse nodded. He couldn't tell if he was talking out loud or just thinking. “The cancer must have spread to his brain. Mrs. White told him she was waiting for him to die. Now I get what she was talking about. He was going to shoot you for hurting his feelings. He said you don’t have family. Yesterday he told me nobody loves me and I was going to go back to the crystal.”

Mike tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “I didn't read the situation very well. I assume he didn't pay you.”

“No. He just kept trying to break my heart.”

“He was a sick man.”

Jesse asked, “Do we need to switch cars?”

“I know a guy in Gallup who has a dealership. Do you want to stop and get a room there?”

“I think I have some of his blood on me, on my leg and my shoes.”

“You might. We’ll get new clothes as soon as we can. The first step is getting some distance. Then we’ll get a new car and a motel room. We can take showers and watch a discovery channel reality show about paint drying. We’re on the homestretch. You’ll have a shower and clean clothes soon.”

Jesse was fixated on the flakes of mud that came off his clothes. He realized he was making a mess and stopped. He held hands with Mike. 

The motel room was nice enough in a generic run down way, with two queen beds and a bathtub. It was reassuring to be able to see the car right out the window.

Mike locked the door and closed the curtains. He looked something up in the yellow pages.

Jesse unzipped his dirty sweatshirt. The white tee shirt underneath wasn't muddy. Why didn't he do that before? He took off his dirty shoes and pants. There was definitely blood on him. He stripped down the rest of the way and got in the shower. Mike came in and asked,

“Are you okay for a while if I go shopping?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be right back. I left my new cell number on the table next to the hotel phone.”

“Yeah.”

“I put the do not disturb sign on the knob. When you get out, latch the door.”

“Yeah.”

“Jesse . . .”

“I know - baseball metaphors. Just go so you can come back.”

Jesse showered for a long time. When he got out, he wore a towel and put everything he had been wearing in the plastic bag from the bathroom trash can. He had forgotten his go bag in the car. He might only have underwear and a shirt in there anyway. He definitely didn't pack shoes. He used a towel to sweep the dried mud together and tried to get it in the bag.

They should clean the inside of the car. Jesse knew that if he was thinking it, Mike had probably already done it.

He sat on the bed and flipped through all the channels on mute. There was a show about how bridges were built. It’d be funny if they actually did paint it at the end and it showed the paint drying. Mike was usually right. Today he was wasn't, but Jesse had been there to back him up. The two of them together could be right. They could get away with it. They could start over, be happy at least some of the time. Get some kind of hobbies or something. Maybe ice fishing. Jesse could feel some of his fears and anxieties settling like dust on a road. It always seems like the dust cloud will stay forever and you can’t actually see it settling, but then after a while the air is clearer.

The next show was about how candy was made. Brock would have loved it. There was a knock and Mike’s handsome mug through the peep hole. Jesse opened up.

“Hey, that didn't take very long.”

“Well there aren't many stores. At least the car is clean and I got the essentials. I don’t know if you’ll like these clothes, but you’ll have something to wear so you can go out and get something you do like." Jesse could see denim and black in the JC Penny’s bag.

“Thank you.”

Jesse kissed him. It landed on the side of Mike’s mouth because he wasn't expecting it. They made better contact the next time. Mike dropped the shopping bag and their luggage. He put his hands on Jesse’s bare chest and the side of his neck. Mike still smelled like stress. His clothes were dusty. The younger man deepened the kiss and pressed Mike into the door. They moaned at the same time. Jesse started undoing the man’s belt. Mike locked the door and spit in his hand. “Jesus” Jesse whispered.

Mike got the towel gone, down somewhere out of the way and started in on Jesse’s dick. They worked together at getting Mike’s clothes off while still kissing. Mike kept his hand moving on Jesse’s cock when possible, stopping just to take off his shirt. Jesse was surprised when Mike turned a bit to the side because he knew what it meant. He backed up a tiny bit so Mike could get into position facing the door. It was a gentle suggestion when Jesse pressed a hand on Mike’s back between the shoulder blades. With Mike’s upper body tilted forward Jesse could more easily rub across the hole, back and forth with his unlubricated thumb.

Jesse asked, “Do we have anything here?”

“No just spit on me and do it.” Jesse didn’t think that would be enough for what he wanted to do.

“I’ll be right back.” He ran to the bathroom and came back with the mini bottle of complimentary lotion.

Mike was naked and leaning his forehead on an arm against the hotel room door. Jesse felt overwhelmed by the trust. He caressed the man’s hips, rubbed his back lightly.

“You okay Mike?”

“Yeah, except you’re not in me. That’s not shampoo is it?”

“No. Lotion. Should be okay.” He used some on his hard-on. “It feels okay to me.” Jesse smeared some of the white goop on Mike’s asshole. “That’s okay right?”

“It’s fine,” Mike answered fast meaning “just do it already.” He gasped when Jesse shoved his thumb up his ass. “Yes, God yes Kid, Fuck me hard, Stop playing and do it.” As an afterthought he said “please.”

Jesse pulled his thumb out and barely poked it back in. He switched to fingers to get deeper. Mike was panting and cussing, tipping his hips further and further back to give Jesse access.

The younger man stroked himself a couple of times and widened his stance. He figured out that his feet needed to be in a little to get the right height. He rubbed the tip around Mike’s hole. He put more spit on himself.

“Yeah?” he asked just to be sure.

“Yes. I want you to.”

Jesse pressed forward and kept pressing till he was so deep their balls were touching. They’d never done this before, but he fucked him into the door without starting slow. Mike held steady accepting Jesse’s cock over and over. It was hard and fast like they were going to run out of time, like they didn’t have the rest of their lives for this. Jesse pulled most of the way out and thrust back in. He was on the balls of his feet, both hands on Mike’s hips. He knew he couldn’t last long like this, it was too perfect. It even sounded perfect.

His orgasm hit him even sooner that he thought it would. Jesse held himself steady on the man’s hip bones and rode it out. He stayed standing behind Mike after he pulled out. He kissed the long raised scar on the man’s shoulder. He touched what must have been Mike’s other bullet wound scar on the side of his waist. It was an indentation in the flesh that had completely returned to his normal skin color. So much violence had happened on their bodies, but they had survived all of it. He got down and tongued the scar while rubbing Mike’s prostate. It was very well lubricated in there by that point. Jesse abandoned the scar and started really trying to get him off. They fucked with one of Jesse’s hands partially inside Mike and the other sliding tight around his cock. Jesse focused on the dick. It crossed his mind to let Mike fuck him. He kept up what he was doing.

Mike asked for more fingers. Four fingers seemed to fit. He stood up and let Mike take back over on his cock. Jesse was experimenting with separating his four finger tips and bringing them back together when the anal walls squeezed his digits tight. He held that hand still, enjoying all the little spasms inside the man he loved. He could feel Mike’s orgasm from the inside. In that moment he wanted to say the right thing, but he didn’t know what that would be so he just stayed and felt it. His other hand was wrapped around and held Mike’s chest. It felt amazing to be inside him while it happened. Jesse made an effort not the lean on him. Mike reached back and gently tugged at Jesse’s wrist. His fingers came out and the two of them untangled themselves. Mike laid down on the bed while Jesse wiped his hands off on the towel.

It would be too much effort to get dressed and go outside to smoke. He hadn't even looked at the clothes yet. He sat next to Mike and lit up.

Mike put a hand on Jesse’s thigh. “Kid, I can’t stay awake. Don’t burn the hotel down.”

“What?”

“Smoking in bed.”

“I’ll be careful. Are you good?”

“If you’re asking about my asshole, it’s really good. You good?”

“Yeah. It was amazing.”

“I’m starting to think you might be gay.”

Jesse ignored him and smoked half the cigarette. “There, I put it out. You’re safe.”

Mike was so tired he slurred, “Something’s wrong with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Mike was asleep. Jesse nudged him. “What’s wrong with you Mike? You said something.”

Mike opened his eyes and breathed deeply. “The first time I killed a man I was up all night crying and praying. Now I feel good.”

* * *

 

 


	10. Reckless

When Jesse woke up he could tell he’d slept a long time. He reached for Mike and found him sitting at the foot of the bed, fully clothed, watching TV.

“You wanna lay down with me? I don’t care if you want to watch that with the sound up.”

Mike didn't hear him. It was commercials. He wasn't doing so hot if he was zoning out like this for commercials. Jesse had a bad feeling about touching his back, so he came around and put himself between the guy and the TV. Mike noticed him and said “hi.”

“Hey” Jesse said. “We need to get moving right?” Mike kept watching the local news. “Anything about us?”

“No. It wouldn't change things if there was. We’re already on the run. We should continue as if all my guys have all flipped and the cops know what happened yesterday. You need a real ID.”

The screen changed to a morning talk show and Mike switched it off.

Jesse sat down and put a hand on Mike’s back. “Are you okay?”

“Can you be ready to leave in twenty minutes?”

“Yeah.”

Jesse showered and put on the new jeans, black tee shirt, plain grey sweatshirt and running shoes. He put the bag of old stuff by the door so he’d remember to throw it away. Mike was in the exact same spot looking at the TV that wasn’t on.

“What’s going on with you? You know you had to do what you did yesterday. It’s not your fault.”

Mike raised his eyebrows. “I don’t give a shit about him.”

“Then what is it? You miss Kaylee?”

Mike’s voice cracked, “I left her at the park.”

“What do you mean?”

“I literally abandoned her at the park when the cops showed up.”

“That’s not really abandoning her. If there were cops all over the place they would help her. They would figure it out. They took her home or they called her mom to come get her. She’s okay. You were thinking there’d be something on the news about that?”

Mike was embarrassed, “I know it doesn't make sense, but I thought she might have been kidnapped. You’re right, with all those cops; it would be the least likely place for it, but still. I was supposed to watch her and I didn't.”

Jesse didn't know what to say. Mike was usually logical. They could fix this with a call. Find out for sure that she was okay. He didn't say so out loud, but it would have been worse for Kaylee to watch her grandfather get arrested. And in the end she’d have been in the same position of asking a cop to help her get home.

Jesse took charge. “Okay I’ll drive. We’re gonna go find a payphone. You’ll make your call. Then we’ll put some miles between us and the phone.”

The new car was a Buick, pretty much exactly like every other car Mike drove. Jesse prepaid for the gas with cash and filled up while Mike made the call. It looked like he was talking and listening so that was good. Somebody had picked up. Even if Christine was pissed at him, at least he’d know that Kaylee had made it home okay. The pump shut off and Mike was still talking. Jesse went in and bought food and drinks in the minimart. He also got one of each of the newspapers and copies of the free ones out front. Mike had been on the phone too long. They needed to move.

Jesse started the car and gestured to Mike, who hung up and wiped his eyes. He got in and they were off.

“Did you get to talk to her?”

“She said she went up to a lady cop and told her her address and phone number. She took care of herself like I taught her.”

Jesse patted Mike’s leg. “Did she say anything else? You were on the phone a long time.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure they traced it but all they have for the local cops is a surveillance photo of me. If they knew what car we were in that’d be a whole other story. And I don’t think they don’t know we’re traveling together.”

“They might figure it out from the burned car. Like our fingerprints or shoe prints or something.”

Mike shook his head. “It’s possible. We’ll proceed as if they do know, but I’m not worried. We’ll be in Vegas by tonight and we can stay at Eva’s condo. I’ll get a new computer and see if my DEA pass codes still work. There’s a small chance that my contact didn’t change them yet and I’ll be able to get in and confirm that they don’t know my new name or license plate number. I don’t see how they would. We could switch cars in Vegas too.”

“This is the Eva that you never tell me anything about? She said I could stay at her place?”

“She’s excited to meet you. I talked to her early this morning and she was going on about gamboling and shows and bars and dancing. I told her she might have to dial it back a little, or go out without us. You know, considering what you've been through lately.”

“You’ve been through the same stuff.”

Mike drank the coffee Jesse had got for him. “So, Christine forgave me. Saul told her she didn't need a lawyer and to just ignore the patrol cars coming around.”

“Well that’s good he isn't taking her money for no reason.” Mike made a noncommittal noise and Jesse added, “I think he’d help them for free if they needed it. You really made an impression on him when you threatened to break his legs.”

The older man sighed and looked at the hot prepackaged breakfast sandwiches in the bag. “Are these the same?”

“Yeah, go for it. I nuked ‘em both but I’m not hungry yet.”

The landscape was barren, same as where they’d started. Jesse wanted to be someplace completely different. Some place green or snowy. He asked, “You ever been arrested? You said they’d have a surveillance picture of you. What about a mug shot?”

“No mug shots. I have a solid ID, so it doesn't matter if I look like their suspect.”

“I can’t believe you've never been arrested.”

“If I had, I’d be serving consecutive life sentences.”

“No, like for transporting drugs or cash or something.”

“Cash isn't illegal and I only accompanied product shipments a couple of times when we were expecting cartel trouble. It’s bottom level guys that get arrested.”

They rode in silence through the desert that just went on and on. Jesse ate his egg and sausage sandwich. Mike read his way through the stack of newspapers.

Out of the blue Mike said, “There’s something I should tell you about me and Eva. I thought I’d have more time to figure out how to say it.”

“What? You guys used to fuck?” Jesse meant it as a joke, but Mike didn't laugh. He folded up the free weekly and turned to look at Jesse who was confused, “I thought you were full on gay?”

“I am pretty much, but there have been a few times when the two of us have gotten together with another man.”

“Uh. Give me a minute.”

Mike picked his newspaper back up, but he never turned the page. He waited.

Jesse broke the silence. “I can’t handle this right now. I was a little jealous before. You've known her so long and she’s so important to you and everything, but I thought it was like 'Will and Grace' or a brother sister thing. Do you guys really go dancing or is that code for DP?"

“It wasn't DP. I've never been inside her. Well, if her mouth . . .”

“Stop talking.”

“I should have told you in the beginning. I thought it would just be me for a week and I would have more time to figure out how to explain it.” Mike misunderstood Jesse’s lack of response as confusion. “You were going to stay for a few days to tie up loose ends, try to get your money. I was going to lie low in Vegas and wait for you.”

“Whatever, man. I didn't mean to crowd in on you and your girlfriend.”

“Turn here.” Mike said it like there was an emergency. Jesse turned onto the dirt road that didn't even have a road sign. He pulled over past a stand of dusty mailboxes. Part of him feared that Mike was calling his bluff. Mike grabbed his inner thigh and kissed him hard. Jesse responded instantly by climbing over on top of the larger man in the passenger seat. There was barely room for Jesse’s leg on the door side. Mike controlled the kiss, held him close. After a frantic effort through zipper and boxers, Jesse’s cock was in Mike’s grasp. Mike was more articulate now than he had been minutes before. “Just let me do you first. It’s just you okay? I love you. I’m your man. You are the only one I feel this way about. I would do anything for you Jesse (I would kill for you). Our bodies fit together so perfectly. You’re amazing. I love the way you fuck. I love the way you come. I want to get you there beautiful boy.” Jesse felt a little strange about “beautiful” and “boy” but it was hot, so why think about it. Mike pressed his face hard into Jesse’s neck. He kept talking the whole time. “You are the only one. I want you so bad. I want you to fuck me. Bend me over the hood of this car Kid.” Mike kept pumping him. His other hand was squeezing Jesse’s ass, rubbing his back, holding his face in place for a hard deep kiss. “Nobody loves me like you do. I’m yours. You can have me any way you want to. It’s just us. It’s just you. Okay?”

He was close. Mike slowed down like he actually wanted him to answer. Jesse pulled back to look at him. “I love you.” Jesse palmed Mike’s package through his pants. He couldn't cover the whole thing with one hand, not even close. He took it out and licked his hand to get started. Doing this face to face was intense. He kept his slippery hand pumping on Mike’s huge cock, while he lost it. He was being irresponsible, right next to the road like this and spurting his mess all over. Jesse used his come as lubricant. Mike held him steady so he could use both hands.

Mike's penis was weeping clear fluid, although it was hard to tell with his own stuff all over it. Jesse thumbed the head, before suddenly stroking him hard and pinching a nipple through the shirt. Mike cussed louder than he had in a hotel. The only words Jesse caught were: fuck, filthy, Christ, and perfect. Jesse held him while it overflowed on his hands. They tried to catch their breath. Mike rolled down the window a little even though it was too hot out. They leaned their foreheads together. Several cars had passed on the 40.

“Please don’t fuck his up Mike. I need you. Don’t let me fuck it up either.”

Mike eyes looked more blue than grey right then. “You don’t need me. You have me, but if you didn't you would survive.”

Jesse wasn't going to argue the point and say that he’d be in another crack house without the man. There was no way of knowing. It hurt to think about it, which must have shown on his face.

“I’m with you Kid. It’s just the two of us. You have nothing to worry about. That’s what you want right?”

“Yeah. I know I’m a hypocrite, but now I want it to just be us.”

“It's good. That'll be good.”

Jesse wiped them off with a paper napkin and got out. Mike got out too and looked around. “We have to go, cops stop for pulled over cars.” They tried to rinse their hands with bottled water. Everything was a mess.

Jesse didn't feel ready to drive, but he did it anyway. Back on the road, he asked, “Do you want me to get my own car?”

“No. Maybe separate rooms sometimes.”

They got a room in Winslow just to shower and change their clothes. Mike asked him twice if he’d rather stay there and see Eva later. The second time Mike asked, Jesse was sprawled on the hotel bed stretching his back. Ever since Hank worked him over, there were things that needed to be popped every once in a while.

Jesse said, “No. I’m ready to meet her. Unless you mean you want me to hang back?”

Mike was putting on his shoes. “No. I’m asking if you want to both stay here and get our bearings.”

Something about that made him think of Mr. White and miss him. Getting your bearings. Jesse rolled onto his side and tried to explain it to Mike, “There was this time when we first started cooking together, everything fell apart for me all at once and Mr. White made me breakfast, at his actual house, even though he was usually so paranoid about that. He made me a green and red bell pepper omelet, called it a holiday omelet or something. I think maybe that’s what he makes for his family on Christmas. And there was two kinds of juice and toast and coffee. I was a mess, but he let me sit at his kitchen counter you know and watch him make this thing for me. My parents wouldn't give me water if I was on fire, but he cooked food for me. You think of him as all bad, but he wasn't.” Had there ever been a more complicated conversation? He clarified, "We absolutely needed to do what we did yesterday, but I still miss him."

* * *

 

 


	11. Loyal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't exactly crossover, but I think of Eva as a less evil, entirely human version of The Morrigan from Lost Girl.
> 
> Trigger Warning: There's a mention of underage sex.

Driving into the city lights was disorienting after so many miles of desert, Jesse was glad Mike was handling it. He was the one who knew where she lived anyway. It was midnight when they finally got to Eva’s place. They parked underground and took the elevator up, so Jesse didn't realize how nice it was till they were in her condo. It was modern and open, like what he’d wanted for his duplex– minimalist with Asian influences. The main room had floor to ceiling windows with the furniture oriented more towards the view than the flat screen. The kitchen was open to the rest of the room.

Jesse’s first impression of Eva was that she looked like a MILF from a DVD he used to watch all the time. He had assumed she’d be older, but she looked forty. It was hard to tell. She was wearing a tight red dress that showed cleavage in a classy way. She must have been out on the town earlier.

She hugged Mike and fussed over his scarred ear like she didn't know that he’d been shot in the chest since then. It gave Jesse some pleasure to know about scars that she didn’t. When she turned her attention to him she held both of his hands and said, “Oh my god, Mike said you were handsome, but I thought he was exaggerating because he’s in love with you. You’re gorgeous.”

“Eh. Thanks.” Jesse was worn out so he just gave it back to her, “I like your rack.”

Eva laughed and said, “Thank you. They’re natural. Well I had a reduction, years ago, but that still counts right?” She looked at Mike.

He said, “I have no idea,” and they laughed and hugged again.

She went back to touching his damaged ear. “I’m so glad you’re out. That’s way too close.” It seemed like they might kiss on the lips, but she turned to Jesse. “Can I get you a drink? Your room is over here.”

The guest room was fancy like the rest of the home. It had light gray walls, a gray bedspread, and a floor to ceiling view of the city lights. There was bamboo growing in the corner and a vase of pointy tropical flowers on the bureau. There were more flowers in the attached bathroom.

The three of them sat on the couch and drank. Jesse tried coconut water while they had martinis. He tried to small talk with them about the drive and how nice her place was, but he ended up going to bed pretty quick. When he woke up in the night, he could hear somebody shaking a martini shaker.

“Bullshit,” Eva protested.

“Fine, if you don’t want to believe me, but I’m telling you - that flight, when we brought you back with us, we were 137 pounds light on cocaine but we paid the exact same amount of cash.”

“So is this is like being worth your weight in gold?”

“It’s not about you. It’s just about how fucked up that world was. How fucked up I was to take part in it as long as I did. Technically, it was human trafficking.”

“No. I wanted to come. Did you move other women?”

“No. ”

“Well, all of that went over my head at the time. I was tired of Columbia, but I was broke and I couldn't find my Canadian passport. I wanted to see Florida and I had a stupid crush on Cortez. I don’t specifically remember you. You guys always blended into the background. There were always armed men in black clothes around the edges. I never noticed you. Back then, I thought I outranked you guys. I didn't bother to learn your names.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t warn you.”

“Come on. Nobody likes a regretful drunk.”

“I should go to bed.”

“Yeah. If I had a man like Jesse waiting for me, I’d go to bed too.”

“He might be able to hear you.”

“So what? It’s not a secret that I like the way he looks. He complemented me on my tits, Mike. I don’t think he’s as delicate as you think he is.”

“There are a lot of things I haven’t told you about yet. He’s been through a lot lately.”

“You told me about the boy getting shot.”

“I had to kill Walter.”

It was quiet. When she did speak her tone was reassuring, “If you had to do it, you had to do it. From what you were saying before, it sounded like Jesse was getting more realistic about how crazy that man was.”

“Yeah, but they were family. At least, I didn't have a choice. I was trying to wait and let Jesse detach from him in his own way. Walter toke my spare pistol and pointed it at me. I had to do it. It’s just sad that he was that far gone. He had the cutest little baby girl. Jesus, I think I am a sad drunk tonight.”

They were quiet. Eva was saying something that Jesse couldn't make out.

Mike continued, “I think the wife and kids will be okay. I bet money she’ll move in with her sister and the DEA brother-in-law. Her kids have already been there for a while now.”

“I can’t believe you guys didn't all get arrested.”

“Either Hank sucked at his job or Walter was amazing at his.”

“He’s gonna have to wonder about Mrs. Heisenberg’s bags of cash.”

“I don’t know that he had too much on hand. What he had was a tank of uncooked methylamine and that doesn't do her any good. I don’t know. Who cares? The point is don’t mess with Jesse. He’s grieving and he’s working really hard at staying clean. He and I are . . .”

“Boyfriends.”

“I hate that word. I hate all of the words for it.”

“I know you do. You guys are together though. You spend all your time together, have sex and sleep next to each other. In my book it only takes the last two to be a couple. You’re his man. If you weren't, I’d be putting in a Rock Hudson movie and trying to talk you into a circle jerk.”

“I don’t think two people can be a circle.”

“You know what I’m saying.”

“I know what you’re saying and your restraint is appreciated. We’re trying it just the two of us.”

“Now that the girlfriend with the kid is unavailable.”

“She was good for him. They stayed off drugs for the kid. I think he’s generally a monogamous person though. He was exclusive with the girlfriend that died.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“You've never even tried have you?”

“When I had the baby, I was out of commission briefly, but not by choice.”

“You’re like a mythical creature, a siren or a nymph, catching all these people in your sex web.”

“You’re starting to sound drunk.”

“I’m starting to be drunk.”

“Don’t worry about me around him. I get it. You overestimate how sexual I am. I don’t really go around just fucking everybody. It’s just that I don’t tell you my boring stories.”

Mike sounded dubious. “Hm. What happened with that guy from the gym last week, the one who thought he was showing you how to do curls.”

“Well, that’s not a good example. You’d think with the age of consent being so low here, it wouldn't be an issue.”

“It’s 16!”

“He had a lot of tattoos.”

“That’s not right Eva.”

“I know, but he didn't even understand what the big deal was after he told me.”

“The big deal is that it’s illegal. If his parents or Sunday school teacher found out and reported it, you could go to jail.”

“I know. Sunday school is just little kids. It was bad, but it wasn't that bad. He asked if he could call me after his birthday in a few months.” Whatever face Mike was making made Eva defensive. “I already feel bad about it Mike. Just stop. I never judge you like this, about anything.”

“I know, but you need to sever contact with his guy. Stop going to that gym. Text him that you can’t text or talk anymore.”

“Yeah. I did all that. You have to understand, he didn't look or act like a teenager at all. He has his own place, but his roommates are always home. Stop shaking your head at me. Drink your drink.”

“His roommates.”

“I know. I get it now. It’s his parents.”

“You need to stop thinking with your pussy. He doesn't know where you live, does he? You didn't bring him here?”

Jesse wanted to go out and smoke but that would mean going through the room they were in, so he just kept eavesdropping.

“No, of course not. We did it in a hotel.”

“Could he have seen your last name when you paid for the room or at the gym on your membership card or something?”

“No. What the hell are you talking about? He’s a kid, not a hit man.”

“If he becomes a problem we’ll have to leave. Jesse and I can’t be around any kind of criminal investigation.”

“Take a night off Dick Tracy. He’s not mad at me. He’s not obsessed with me. He’s a little embarrassed and he’s disappointed that we can’t do it again.”

Jesse took a piss. His reflection in the mirror didn't look so hot. He looked like he was tired which was accurate. If they went somewhere cold he’d try growing a beard.

Eva was telling Mike all the same shit Jesse had already told him about how Kaylee would get over the thing in the park. Jesse feel asleep. He woke up when Mike tapped on the door and opened it.

“Hey, I was listening for awhile. Thanks for saying how hard it is for me to be clean. Seriously, it is hard and I’m glad that you know that it’s hard.”

Mike sat on the bed and kissed him. “Do you need a meeting tonight? This city is full of them.” Ironically, he downed his drink and set the empty glass on the nightstand.

“No. In the morning. I was thinking I’d do that and buy clothes while you guys hang out.”

“I’m madly in love with you,” Mike said in drunken awe.

“I think you’re right about Mrs. White going to live with her sister. I didn't know you saw the baby. I never saw her, except just her picture on the fridge.”

“Yeah, a long time ago. It doesn't matter.”

“I’m glad you have Eva.” Jesse broke off what he was saying because Mike was nuzzled into his neck and getting handsy. “Maybe I should give you martinis more often. You’re like a girl after a long island ice tea.”

Mike said, “Fuck me in the bath tub.” He was drunk. That didn't even make sense. Jesse tried to picture it, but they wouldn't fit, or if they did, it would hurt Mike’s knees. His kisses were getting sloppy and his cock was rock hard against Jesse’s side. Jesse maneuvered down to take off Mike’s pants. It was the suggestion of a blow job without the follow through. Why bother if he was plastered and might not remember it anyway? The drunk one struggled with his shirt buttons and gave up. Jesse talked him through the handjob and breathed in his ear. He kept his voice down but Mike didn't. He got loud when he came into Jesse’s hand. Good thing Eva wouldn't mind. She was probably jacking off right now thinking about them anyway.

Mike was asleep by the time Jesse washed up and got dressed to go out and finally have a cigarette. He saw Eva in the kitchen and stopped in his tracks. She was casual. “Hey. I was just having some pomegranate juice. It’s supposed to help you not get a hangover. Do you want some?”

“No I’m going outside to smoke. Should I buzz in the same way?”

“No. Here’s a key.” She handed him a black plastic key card from vase or bowl or something on the kitchen counter. “This works on most of the common doors and that door,” pointing at her front door. “The best place to smoke is on the roof. If you go down to street level the doorman will make you go twenty feet away and then the neighboring doorman will hustle you off. That’s what my friend said anyway.”

Jesse put the card in his pocket and said thanks. He couldn't get out of there fast enough. Eva was perfectly nice but it felt weird to be in a woman’s home. It was a little bit like when Mr. White’s wife caught him in her house. Not as bad of course. It was all in his head. Eva was being nice.

He got in the elevator, still thinking about Mrs. White. The last time her saw her was at the car wash. It was mind bending that was only a few days ago. He was scared of her eyes then. How would she look at him now that he and Mike had killed her husband? That had nothing to do with this. Eva was nothing like Mrs. White. And Mike wasn't married to her. The truth was she was more likely to suck Jesse off than yell at him. Maybe that was problem right there.

The elevator let him out in a fancy garden area with grass and potted palm trees and places to sit. He felt dumb that he’d been expecting a plain tarpaper roof. His parents used to take him nice places like this in Hawaii or Disneyland. It shouldn't be so hard to get used to again. Nicer clothes would help.

The first inhale was amazing. It made him a tiny bit dizzy. Jesse surveyed the area and figured out he was in the wrong place. The smoking area was on the other side where two guys were snorting something off the table.

When they noticed him, they put it away and headed out. They had to walk past him to get to the elevators. One of them asked, “How’s it going?”

“Whatever man. Fuck off.”

“Are you going tell anybody?”

“No. Just fuck off already.”

Jesse considered getting in a fistfight with the guy. He knew he would lose. Even if the silent friend bailed, he would lose. It would be something different. It would be a distraction from worrying and grieving and wanting to get high. He walked away and smoked until the pack ran out. He told himself to get a new one so it wouldn't be such a big deal first thing in the morning. Fuck that, I’m going to sleep, he replied to himself. When he got back most of the lights were off and Eva’s bedroom door was shut. He laid down in his clothes. Mike put an arm around and spooned him without waking up.

* * *

 

 

The NA meeting the next morning was surprisingly good. He told them about Jane’s death and the people who said anything, said it wasn't on him. He knew they would say that and he liked hearing it, even if he couldn't completely agree.

Afterward, a girl asked him if he wanted to go out for coffee. “I can’t. My boyfriend’s expecting me.” The girl didn't care. It wasn't an issue.

He went a little crazy with the clothes shopping. Mostly plain stuff that would help him look older. Mike had suggested he might want to wear either a button up shirt or nice shoes to dinner. He was nice about it. Jesse got both, but stuck with jeans.

* * *

 

 

Mike stood up and hugged him when he got to the restaurant. He sounded like he meant it when he said Jesse looked great.

“Thanks, you too. You got a new purple shirt.”

They held hands for a second under the table before Mike pulled his hand away to hand him a menu.

“Eva went to say hello to someone but she told me what she wanted.”

“What language is this?”

“French. The English is underneath.”

Jesse told the waiter he’d have the same thing as Mike.

When Eva returned they were talking about clothes shopping and how they were going to need luggage. She looked amazing again tonight in a tight black dress. She joined in. “I was out with Mike for one shop after we went out for coffee, but he wouldn't let me in the dressing room, so I went and got my nails filled instead.”

Mike defended himself, “It’s not normal for a man and a woman to be in a dressing room together. No one does that.”

“I think women and gay men do.”

“No. teenage girls go in there together and that’s it - any kind of adult waits outside.”

“I worked at a clothing store, Mike. People do it.”

“That was lingerie. They couldn't open the curtain wearing that stuff.”

Jesse didn't have an opinion except that Mike should tell her about his bullet wound already. He nervously ate the bread and the waiter brought more. The butter was better than normal butter.

Jesse said he wanted to use the Jacuzzi when they got back and Eva agreed.

Mike gave him a look and sigh that communicated, “Okay enough, I’ll tell her.”

“I got hurt a couple months ago and I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. It still looks pretty rough. I can get in the pool with it now, but I don’t want you to be upset when you see it.”

“What are you talking about? Where?”

Mike pointed to it and said, “I got shot.”

“Jesus. Who did it?”

Mike answered, “In Juarez, Jesse took care of him.” Eva looked pale. “There was nothing you could do about it. I’m perfectly fine.”

All she said was, “A couple of months ago and you’re just telling me now?”

Jesse was thinking it was closer to three months. He tried to lighten the mood. “Mike said you ran into some friends here.”

“They’re not friends. I used to fuck them when they were in town for his work conference. I forget her name but she gives the worst head ever. The husband’s name is Robert or Richard.” She looked over at Mike. “You might actually remember him - home invasion guy from three years ago, he went at me missionary style while you pulled my hair and threatened to kill me.”

Mike looked at her in a way Jesse hoped he would never look at him. “What’s the point of this story?”

“No one heard me. It’s fine.” To Jesse she added, “It was fake, obviously. He’s only ever hurt me when I've asked him too.” She was talking like he needed her reassurance that he wasn't in a relationship with a rapist.

The server showed up with meat wrapped in pastry and something else wrapped in meat. Jesse wanted to bail. On the other hand, the plates in front of him smelled good. So he stayed and ate, looked around at what other people were eating, drank a lot of water.

Mike was still staring Eva down, but she wasn't intimidated. “What Mike?” She put her napkin on her lap. “You’re right. There isn't a particular point to the story. I just thought of it cause I saw the guy.”

“You’re angry that I didn't tell you when I was shot.”

“We've talked several times in the last two months and you never brought it up. I could have helped you. I know you have Jesse, but I could have helped you. I just want to know even if there’s nothing I can do. Can you imagine if that happened to me and I didn't tell you?”

“It wasn't as bad as it sounds. I was back to work in a less than a week.”

Jesse was stuck in his own head for most of the meal. He didn't have much to add to their conversation, especially when they started talking about ballroom dancing. Mike told Eva that Jesse was getting the hang of it which was bullshit. They’d only tried a couple of times and Jesse hadn't been able to remember the steps. He hadn't applied himself because he never thought he’d actually use it. It was weird to hear Mike talk about it like they were actual lessons. To Jesse it was just an excuse to get close. When it got confusing he would change the subject to making out.

Eva asked him to dance and he agreed. He started to put his arms in the wrong places because Mike had taught him the woman’s part. Eva got them set up correctly and made it easy. She was good at leading while making it look like she was being led. “Did you ever go to a school dance?”

“Yeah but I just got high in the parking lot.”

Mike was dancing with a woman. He knew what he was doing. The two men smiled at each other. Jesse wondered what the fuck he was doing here. He belonged out with the dishwashers on smoke break in the alley.

“I’m sorry that I told that story about me and Mike.”

“I knew that you’d been together. I just didn't know that it was like that.”

“It wasn't always like that and it was never his idea. I shouldn't have said anything.”

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s pretend. I also have a French maid costume, but that doesn't mean I want to clean my own house.” Eva put a little more space between them, moving her hand from his shoulder and bringing both their hands out in a more formal pose. “He’s had his eye on you for a long time.”

“Really?”

“I’m glad something good finally happened to him.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m glad he has you. I’m glad you’re the kind of man who can protect him.”

“I don’t- ”

“You didn't kill the man who shot him?” She let the question hang and regarded him. He looked down at their feet again but his gaze lingered at her breasts. They were out tonight even more than last night and she was wearing a necklace that drew his eyes right to them. He looked up when she said, “Mike told me I’m not allowed to hit on you. I’m sorry about your teacher.”

“Thanks. So how would you hit on me?”

“I would say that I want to watch you and Mike kiss and get naked in my living room. Him kissing you everywhere and you playing with my tits. They come out of this dress pretty easily. I want you to turn me around and push my dress up so you can take me from behind right on the floor. While you’re fucking me, I’d deep throat your boyfriend’s cock. I’m imagining I’ll be on my hands and knees and he’ll be kneeling, but if he wants to lay down that would work too. You two would be able to see each other. He would be able to tell how good you were making me feel by how eagerly I sucked. And you’d be able to tell how good he felt in my mouth by the way I tightened around you and moaned with my mouth full.”

Eva pressed her body up against his and whispered in his ear, “Or I could just watch.” The song was over and they were still close. The next one was something complicated, but Eva kept leading him in the same thing they had been doing. She touched the back of his neck.

He asked, “Do you have a job?”

It was impossible to fluster her. “Not really. I divorced well. I teach Pilates a couple times a week. Did you meet Kaylee?”

“No. He never offered to introduce us. You've met her?”

“Yeah. I think she was eight last time I was down there.”

“What was his tattoo of?”

“Some military thing. If you backslide with the drugs it’ll destroy him.”

“That won’t happen.” This might be his only chance. “What’s the story with his son?”

Eva shook her head. “No. He’ll tell you if he wants you to know.” They danced without talking. Her hair smelled good. The curve of her waist under his hand was hot. “Are you scared of all women Jesse, or is it just me?”

He started to deny it but she leaned back and looked at him like it wouldn't do any good. “I’m fine with women my own age,” he said.

“Interesting.”

* * *

 

 


	12. Damaged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has there been any moment or development for Mike that legitimately surprised you? 
> 
> Jonathan Banks: Hmmm. I don’t know if I was surprised, but I do like the relationship that’s developed between Jesse and Mike. A lot. You know, I’m a sentimental sap anyway, but I just like the comfort of the damned. I don’t know how else to say that. Because both these guys are in bad fucking shape. [Laughs.] 
> 
> Interview by Will Harris for The A. V. Club. Oct 5, 2011. http://www.avclub.com/article/jonathan-banks-62836
> 
>  
> 
>  

Jesse pulled her hand from the back of his neck and stepped to the side of the dance floor. He couldn't see Mike anywhere. He remembered his cigarettes were in his jacket in the fucking coat check.

Eva made her way over and asked if he wanted to get some fresh air.

“I need my jacket.”

“Do you have your ticket?”

He didn't know what she was talking about. Counting backwards from twenty only worked to eighteen before he just went for the nearest exit. Outside, a middle aged couple took pity on him and gave him a smoke. They told him their reviews of every single thing they’d seen or done since arriving in the city. He must have look better than he felt because they kept going and going.

Eva handed him his coat and invited the couple to leave.

Jesse wasn't cold, but he put it on. “It’s not actually funny. My issues aren't just, like, to amuse you?”

“Which issues?”

“Yeah. Exactly. I have enough to deal with, just what’s happened in the last couple of days. I need for things to stop happening. I need you to be chill.”

“I can do that.”

* * *

 

 

The men sat in the Jacuzzi back home without her. The only other person around was doing laps in the pool. The night had cooled off enough that it felt good to be in hot water. A breeze moved the palm fronds above them. It was nice, as nice as rehab.

“She’ll be back. She never falls asleep with them,” Mike explained.

“I told her I couldn't handle her right now.”

“We don’t have to stay. To me it’s relaxing here, but that’s because I’m used to it. If you want to keep driving we can. Do you want to go north? Find some trees?”

“It’s going to go on like that forever, like we’re always on vacation?”

“I put some calls in about getting you an identity. Once we both have that we could settle if we wanted to.”

Jesse stared at the bullet scar on his boyfriend’s chest. He checked that the coast was clear before touching it. Mike left his arms up where they were on the tiled sides of the spa. He asked, “Why do you like that?”

“I don’t like it. I mean obviously I wish it didn't happen.”

“It did happen. And you like it. You like all of them.”

Jesse pulled his hand back. “Cause you survived. Some people, they get in one car accident and they’re all like ‘I’m so lucky to be alive.’ We lived in wreck that just kept going and going, you a lot longer than me.”

He lost his train of thought. There were so many things he didn't want to talk about. He was still at the point where he’d forget that he wasn't ever going to be able to home. He’d forget that Mr. White was dead. Earlier that day when he was feeling pretty good, he wanted to call Mr. White and tell him. It was the kind of thought that ate its own tail. “Hey Mr. White, we’re good. Mike thinks we’re going to get away with murdering you.” At least they didn't dissolve him on a barrel. Jesse had the inclination to find out where the barrel of Drew Sharp was and take flowers to it. If that wasn't too little too late, what was?

Mike lowered his arms and leaned in. “We’re going to be fine. We’re safe here and things are going to keep getting easier.”

Jesse was exhausted. If Mike believed that they were in the clear, he wouldn't bring a gun down the pool in an extra towel for Christ’s sake.

* * *

 

 

When Eva turned off the blender of kale and pineapple breakfast smoothie, Mike said, “I just remembered that I dreamed Drew Sharp and I were putting together a ship in a bottle. He was explaining to me how you pull the string and it all pops up. And it all worked perfectly when he did it. It wasn't till just now that I remembered and realized that I didn't know him and it never happened.”

Jesse took his hand, but couldn't think of anything to say. Eva stopped what she was doing and looked at them. She didn't have anything to say either.

* * *

 

 

Things got comfortable at Eva’s. Jesse learned a lot about Rock Hudson and Montgomery Clift movies. He got a new sketchbook and drew original superheroes. He had in mind to send them to Brock, but he had to think it through. It might be better for the Cantillos if he stayed completely gone from their life. It wasn't fair to send a letter if they couldn't send one back. He considered drawing for Jake, but he didn't know what Jake liked.

Mostly they went out to eat, but one night Mike made them calzones from scratch. Jesse was transfixed by Mike pressing the dough out flat, chopping things, stirring things. The fixer mostly just did what he was doing but sometimes he looked up at Jesse watching him. It was all so domestic and perfect that Jesse knew the DEA was going to break down the door any second.

* * *

 

 

About a week in, Jesse came back from a meeting and Mike was asleep on the couch with his head on Eva’s lap. She looked a little apologetic.

Jesse said quietly, “God he must be tired if he didn't wake up for the door opening. Was he talking about Drew Sharp again?”

“Close enough. I don’t know if it’s the wedding or what, but he’s second guessing himself on shit he did ages ago.”

“What wedding?”

“Cortez.”

Jesse kept his eyebrows up and shrugged.

“My ex-husband is having his sixth wedding next week and he invited Mike.”

“He’s going?”

“I thought so. Maybe he changed his mind.” Jesse sat in a chair across from them and kept looking at the sleeping man. Eva kept her voice low. “The only reason he’d go would be to check on my daughter. She’s seventeen and she won’t speak to me but she still calls him Uncle. He visits every time her dad gets remarried and they talk on the phone occasionally.” She smoothed Mike’s shoulder through his grey striped shirt. “Lindsay and I never clicked.”

Jesse nodded. Andrea had taught him to keep his opinions about other people’s parenting to himself. “Do you think Mike’s worse, more guilty than he used to be?”

“He misses Kaylee. That money he tried to leave for her was going to be the little bit of good that came out of all the bad. She won’t know the difference, but it means there wasn't a reason for any of it. I’m not above all this. I've killed two people and I've been involved in a business that killed a lot more. I’m not innocent, but what he’s working with is a whole other level of guilt.”

Jesse came over and kneeled to kiss Mike on the side of his face between his eye and the top of his ear. The wrinkles under Jesse's kisses became more pronounced and he could tell the man was smiling. Mike said sleepily, “I think she slipped something in my drink” and chuckled.

If he thought there was any chance Eva would be uncomfortable, he wouldn't have kissed his man and rubbed his broad chest. Mike responded by pulling him closer. Jesse glanced up at Eva to make sure it was okay.

“Don’t worry. She loves it. This is probably happening because she manifested it in her Oprah dream journal,” Mike reassured him.

When Jesse moved on top, Mike made room for him between his legs. Jesse wasn't sure how far he wanted this to go in Eva’s living room with her watching. She kept her hand on the back of the couch out of the way. She smelled pretty and she was wearing silky pajamas, but she didn't actually say or do anything until Mike got a hand in Jesse’s jeans and he arched his back causing his ear to graze her nipple.

She said, “Sorry.”

“What? No I touched you.” Jesse sat up on top of Mike. After a second he said, “So what do you guys usually do?”

Mike sat up. Jesse moved down the couch to sit next to him instead of on top of him. Mike said, “It’s not like that. There’s no ‘usually.’ It’s entirely up to you.”

“Well no. It’s like all three of us.”

“Yeah, but Eva and I are both huge sluts, so there’s probably nothing you would want that we wouldn't.”

Eva made a face like, “eh, true enough” then she backtracked and said she was going to bed.

* * *

 

 

When Jesse ran up to the condo to put on more sunblock, Mike was sitting at the kitchen counter doing a Sudoku.

“Hey, I didn't know you were back already.” Jesse kissed him and sat down. “I've been down by the pool.”

“I know.”

Jesse was rubbing lotion on his arms, getting everything he could before he asked Mike to do his back. “What? You saw me and didn't come over to say ‘Hi’”?

Mike looked at him over his reading glasses, which was not something Jesse would have ever thought he would be so turned on by. If he could travel back in time and tell his teenage self about Mike he wouldn't have believed it.

“You look sexy in your glasses.”

“Hmm.”

“Where’s Eva?”

“She met someone at the shooting range.”

“Is he gross with a big handlebar mustache?”

Mike took the lotion out of Jesse hands and started rubbing it into his back. “He’s not as good looking as that black guy with the abs. Is waiting for you to come back down?”

Where was Mike going with this? “Yeah. I guess. His name’s Simon. He’s on leave from Iraq visiting his cousin and her kid. We were trying to teach the nine-year-old how the dive for things.

Mike said with certainty, “You look amazing together.” Jesse tried to interject but Mike didn't let him. “Jesse, just let me say this. Your twenty five, you should act like it. Go to clubs and pick up guys at the pool. Get a room while I’m out of town anyway.”

This was too weird to respond to. It made it even weirder that Mike was massaging his back while he said it. Jesse swiveled around and faced him. “Dude, I was just talking to somebody. I have to be able to talk to people without you threatening to leave.”

“I’m not threatening to leave. I’m definitely going for a few days.”

Jesse was proud of himself for not getting pissed. “I honestly don’t understand what you think you saw. Why didn't you come over and say ‘Hi’?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m saying he’s hot and you’re hot and maybe it’s a good timing.”

“Why? Is there somebody in Florida you want to get with?”

Mike exhaled quickly like that was a stupid question. “You’re plenty for me. I’m good. Plus you’re the one who is new to men. I’m all set.”

“I’m set too. I told Simon that I’m here on vacation with my man. I told him about you. He knows I’m with somebody. His family was there. And I don’t even think he’s gay.”

“What do you mean you told him? Is that supposed to be a big deal that you came out to a gay guy at a high end condo in Vegas? If you’re still put out that I’m going to the wedding without you- ”

“’Put out’!? What am I a toddler? I just don’t get how you’re so brave in every other part of your life and then when it comes to this you won’t even admit we’re friends. At first I thought you were in the closet because you had to intimidate people, but we’re retired and you’re still being a pussy about it.”

Jesse wasn't prepared for how angry Mike got. “You want to go to Cortez’s house with me? He hates fags. He’s told me more than once. It’s not a social call. He’s not my friend.”

“I’m just saying if I still knew anyone, I would introduce you to them. I wouldn't be scared for you to meet my old boss that I didn't even care about anymore.”

“What? Some dipshit at Orange Julius? Big fuckin deal. And you were scared that Walter would find out. You didn't want him to know, and now you’re acting all high and mighty like I’m the- ”

“Orange Julius. Jesus, Mike, you sat on that information a long time. That’s the kind of shit Mr. White would do - just wait for the right moment to remind me I’m a junkie fuck-up without any real job history. Like you’re work is something to be proud of.”

Mike’s voice was frighteningly calm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This is about Cortez and that fact that it would be stupid to take you there. There would be nothing to gain.”

“Except making me feel like I’m a real person.”

“He- ”

Jesse got up and yelled, “It’s not about him. It’s about us. And don’t throw Mr. White in my face. You didn't want me to tell him.”

Jesse took a step back when Mike got up from the kitchen stool and said, “I told you right from the beginning that I wasn't into parades and going on Jerry Springer to brag about who I fuck.”

“You are so old sometimes.”

“And you’re stupid sometimes, so we’re even. I didn't bring Walter into this. You did when you said I’m acting like him because I stated well known facts like the fact that you’re an addict and you worked in a food court. It’s just true, Jesse. Walter and I are not the only two people who have ever noticed. Me saying it doesn't mean I’m the same as him. It’s just true.”

“So I can never come back from that. No matter how long I’m clean, I’m still a meth-head to you. You gonna bury me in the desert if I don’t straighten up and fly right?”

Mike shook his head. “You’re losing it.”

“Am I? That’s all in my head? You were never gonna kill me? Gus made you work with me, but you wanted to solve the junkie problem with a bullet. Admit it.”

“So you just knew I was ‘the one’ from love at first sight and you would never have killed me, even if your handler ordered you to?”

“He wasn't my handler.”

“You still think he was your partner? He _warped_ you. There’s no doubt you would have killed me if he’d asked. He got you to kill Gale and that guy was likable. I know you still look at your time with him through rose colored glasses. You think things just went bad at the end. I hate to break it to you Jesse, but he was always that way and you were always his bitch.”

The last word felt like a punch in the gut. Jesse managed to say, “I can’t be here right now. I wanna hit you.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

Jesse grabbed his stuff from the bedroom and walked around Mike and out the door. 

From the roof he could see Simon and the boy playing in the pool.The fight had gotten so weird so fast he didn't get a chance to ask Mike what the fuck he was talking about when he said Jesse should screw around with other guys. They had just had that conversation before they got to town.

Mr. White probably had warped him. Whenever he felt something now he questioned why he felt it and whether someone was making him feel that way so he’d do a certain thing they wanted him to do.

* * *

 

 

Simon was happy to see him. “Hey. I thought maybe you weren't coming back. I had my eye on your shark beach towel.” Jesse smiled weakly. “Did you fight with your boyfriend or something?” Jesse cringed. “Oh. That sucks. I had a bad feeling when you told me he was going to visit people he was still in closet to. You wanna hang out? I don’t have anything planned except watching 'Finding Nemo' for the fiftieth time.”

“I was thinking about getting an Xbox and a hotel room.”

“You’re going to buy a new system just to use while you’re on vacation?”

Jesse said the thing that would be the most believable. “My boyfriend has money.”

They took Simon’s cousin’s car, because Jesse didn't know if Mike needed theirs. The big box store lighting was freaky after being in the sun all day. They put the system and a few games in the cart and then hit the snack aisle. Funnions always reminded Jesse of the Crystal Ship. He was pretty sure he had never taken her out without Funnions as provisions. It made him sad and he didn't want to look to closely at what exactly he missed – the RV, Mr. White, Badger. He threw Pop Tarts, Cheetos and Red Vines in the cart instead.

“Jesse, don’t take this the wrong way, but this is the cart of a pot smoker.”

“No doubt. I don’t smoke anymore, but I guess I still eat like it.”

“You want soda?”

“Naw. There’ll be some cold in the mini fridge.”

“You must be pretty angry at your man if you’re going to spend seven dollars for a Coke.”

* * *

 

 

Simon was laughing at him. “Okay, so you’re saying this brand new system has a defect that causes it to favor one player over another. This console right here is the first sentient machine. The very genesis of artificial intelligence right here in our midst.”

Jesse repeated, “The controller doesn't like me.” He looked over at Simon and noticed he was looking back at him. His eyes were so dark and pretty. Jesse wished he hadn't said that about the controller not liking him, now Simon was going to say “I like you” and his only friend would become a one-night stand, just like Mike thought he would.

Simon got a call and went outside to take it.

Jesse opened his phone and selected MIKE. Mike answered right away, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Is Simon an escort?”

“I don’t know. Does he expect payment? That’s the easiest way to tell.”

“Did you hire him to be with me?”

“No. That would be dishonest. I would never do that. I saw you two frolicking in the water and thought you looked happy. This call makes me think things are going well.”

Jesse sighed. “We’re playing Xbox. You’re coming back right?”

“Three days.”

“Thank God. I’m sorry about some of the stuff I said.”

“I’m not ready to get into it.”

“Okay.”

They said “bye.” Jesse closed the phone and spaced out for a minute.

It turned out that Simon’s cousin needed the car and he had a lot of people left to visit and he was still tired from the time change.

Jesse beat the new game before Mike got back.

* * *

 

 


	13. Good Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings Below

The days without Mike took forever even though there weren't that many of them. Jesse didn't really eat. He went to meetings. He could tell that talking about Jane was good for him. The discouraging thing was that losing her was just one of the many fucked-up things in his life. Her overdose was the part they could relate to and forgive him for, but even if he ever got over it, there would still be a trauma backlog. Mr. White had said there’d be time for soul searching later and now it was later. He thought too much about the things Mr. White had said. In the front cover of his Big Book he wrote “junkie imbecile” to motivate him to prove the teacher wrong.

Without Mike in bed to ground him, Jesse’s dreams were worse and they stuck with him longer. He couldn't shake the blood and dirt, not even walking around outside or watching animal documentaries.

Mike had been clear that he wasn't ready to talk and Jesse tried to respect that. It was only three days.

He flirted with a girl at the public library to get her to log on to a computer for him. Looking up Wendy’s sister in Phoenix turned out to be impossible because they didn't have the same last name. He couldn't risk calling Wendy’s cell phone directly, even from way out somewhere else. He didn't ever want her to get taken in for questioning again because of him. He needed for her to have gotten out and gone to live with her people. Even if she had been serious about rehab, that cash was nowhere near enough. He worried about all his friends. The only crystal in town would be Declan’s shit or some pseudo cut with God-knows-what. He remembered that Badger was in California. Jesse actually wanted to hear about robots now. It would be relaxing to kick back and let Badger explain a whole show to him.

* * *

 

 

Simon texted to see if he wanted to go to a gay club with a group of friends. The main reason Jesse declined was that he didn't want to see drugs or people on drugs. He was afraid he still came off like someone looking to buy. That, and Mike had told him to go dancing, so he wasn't going to.

He walked around at night to avoid dreaming. Being in a group of pedestrians at a crosswalk made him uncomfortable, and he realized it was a good thing that he didn't go to the club.

* * *

 

 

Jesse heard Spooge’s head crack and squish when he was out buying shoes. There wasn't any reason for it. It’s not like he smelled blood or saw someone that looked like him. He was paying cash for blue sneakers and he heard it as if it was happening again right next to him. He managed to take his stuff and get out to the trash can before he barfed. He sat on a bench down a block away from his Cheeto barf smell. If somebody had handed him a meth pipe right then he would have hit it. He put his head in his hands and tried to pull it together.

That sound hadn't happened for a long time. It had actually helped when Rehab Randy told him it’s called an intrusive thought. Jesse had gotten his brain strong enough to change the memory, make it so the ATM machine thudded on the floor. When he tried now, by himself on a bench in Las Vegas, the gruesome sound won. He kept hearing it.

The list of contacts in his phone was meager: Eva, Mike, and Simon.

Right off the bat, Eva said, “You don’t sound right. Have you been using?”

“No. Jesus. Forget it. I just thought we could get some tacos or something.” Where did that come from? There was no way he could hold down a meal.

“You know I’ll always be on his side right?”

“I don’t even want to talk about that. I think I’m kinda losing it. Nightmares. Hearing things that aren't there.”

“Voices?”

“No. Violence.”

Most people would have asked what violence sounded like, but Eva’s question was, “Do you want to come over?”

“I don’t know. I’m at a store. Have you talked to him?”

“He’s fine. I’m supposed to pick him up at the airport tomorrow night. You should probably go instead and try to smooth things over. Did you really call him a pussy for not taking you with him?”

Jesse hesitated. “We both said a lot of things.”

“Best case scenario, only half of the people there would have assumed that he was your sugar daddy and the oblivious half would have thought he was your daddy.”

“I didn't think of it that way.”

“Plus Cortez is a complete asshole. He’s fine with family, but with his guys and he’s former guys, he’s a nightmare.”

“How’s your daughter?”

“The good news is that the nanny, Rosa, is still there. We were worried that Lindsay could get lost in the shuffle with too much time and money on her hands, but Rosa is still handling her.”

Jesse tried to imagine the ATM machine staying flat on the floor. Maybe that would be easier than holding it up, or having it fall on the bare floor. He felt sick. “I’m glad she’s okay.”

“Where are you? I’ll meet you.”

They drank ginger ale and talked about terrible things while shoppers strolled by. He felt better after he’d told her about Spooge and the woman and boy without names.

* * *

 

 

“I said no housekeeping yo. Tryin to sleep up in here.”

Somebody said, “Will you just open the door?” It sounded like Mike.

Jesse got up and looked. Mike was looking right at the peephole making a face like _of course it’s me._ It was his eyes and the tilt of his head that communicated it.

Pinkman opened the door. “I was gonna pick you up. I’m sorry.”

The fixer shrugged. “I got a cab to Eva's.”

Jesse didn't know what to do with his arms if they weren't going to hug. He noticed Mike was carrying an envelope.

“Where’s your stuff?”

“In the car.” He sat on the bed Jesse had just woken up from.

Jesse put on a tee shirt. “I talked to Eva yesterday. She said her kid is doing okay.”

“Lindsay’s going great. She took me to the stable where she boards her horses. Guess their names.”

“Lightening and Diamond.”

“Correct.”

“What, both of them!? There’s two horses and those are their names!?”

Jesse sat down too.

Mike confirmed, “Those are their names. She was younger when she named them. I watched her do jumps while I had my coffee. She dresses like she’s fox hunting in England even though it’s muggy down there. She’s doing good. Looking at colleges. Resents the new step-mom. Broke up with a boyfriend, but still on the pill. Grades and attendance are fine.”

It took Jesse a second to realize Mike hadn't learned all this by talking to her. He looked at the manila envelope on the bed between them.

To say Mike looked apprehensive would be putting it lightly. “That’s for you.”

Jesse opened it and looked in. On top was a birth certificate with little foot prints on it.

“Was this expensive? The vacuum guy was a hundred grand right?”

“This guy’s better and he wasn't open to that.”

“So . . . ?”

“It’s the barter system.”

“Is there a chance he meant something besides a hit?”

Mike was droll. “Like what? Doing a background check or wiping a room down for fingerprints?”

“Or finding someone, or recovering some stolen property or something.”

“He wanted me to find someone alright. Two of them.”

“It’s already done?”

Mike’s feeling about it was impossible to read, but it was done.

Jesse said, “I should have been the one to do it. It’s my fault. I should have taken care of this a long time ago.”

“You’re not a killer. I don’t mean that in an emotional or moral way. You don’t have the training.”

“I don’t have enough street cred for you?”

“No, and more importantly, you have zero credibility with the person I made the deal with.”

“I could have paid though. You didn't have to do this for me. You’re not breaking up with me are you? This isn't a good-bye thing is it?”

“No, I don’t want it to be.”

Jesse fidgeted with metal tabs on the envelope. He couldn't put his relief into words.

Mike asked, “Do you want me to stay, even though I did this?”

“Why wouldn't I?”

“Well, I did it without asking you. It made sense, but on the flight back I started thinking that you might feel like I’d overstepped. And you’re generally not big on murder.”

“I don’t care anymore. I trust you. If you want to tell me who they were, you can. Or we can never talk about it. I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re back.”

“They were cops.”

“Okay.”

“They were crooked cops who wouldn't stay bought. One of them was a woman.”

Jesse found his resolve. “Fuck ‘em. It’s done. It’s over. Put it in the ‘accept the things you cannot change’ column.” He lifted the envelope. “Thank you.”

“Exactly how many meetings did you go to while I was gone?”

Jesse almost laughed. It was five or six just in the last four days.

The amusement fell from Mike's face. “I've killed a lot of people. More than you know about.”

“It’s too late to scare me off. If you want to leave me you’ll have to actually leave me.” He went ahead and threw in, “I didn't do anything with Simon.”

“It would be fine if you did.”

Mike breathed deeply.

Jesse was afraid they were going to have to talk about the age thing.

The fixer said, “I guess we were both being contrary. Do we have to talk about it right now? Or can we skip ahead to the part where your dick is in my mouth?”

Jesse smiled and looked at the ceiling. It really was going to be okay. “I gotta take a shower.” He touched Mike’s leg as he left the room.

“Is this all the food you have?” Mike asked.

Jesse answered from the bathroom, “There’s Pop Tarts. Yeah, I didn't do so great on nutritious meal planning, but I didn't smoke any crystal, so I’m counting it as a win.” He turned on the water. His hair was over a half inch long. He needed to get some clippers. He could cut Mike’s hair too. Why hadn't he thought of that till now? Jesse’s cock started to get hard and he turned the water colder to keep it soft. He liked the things Mike did with his foreskin. He spent an extra minute in the shower wondering if the man was going to join him.

Mike was sitting on the bed, looking at the back of a game case. He didn't have his glasses on so he couldn't have been reading it. When he saw wet naked Jesse, he flung the case behind him where it bounced off the lamp shade. They laughed and finally really touched each other.

Jesse ended up on his back with the other man between his legs. It happened so fast that he whimpered at the unexpected warmth of lips on him, pursing the loose skin over the head of his penis. His felt his foreskin being pushed back by Mike’s hot mouth, and then being allowed to return. Jesse caressed his shoulders in appreciation of every hot exhale and flick of the tongue.

“Will you do that thing?”

Mike did the thing. He slid his tongue in the sheath and swirled it all the way around the head. More accurately, he made the dick go in a circle and left his tongue in the same spot. Jesse spread his legs further. As he got harder, his foreskin was less of a factor and Mike got less playful, more determined. The younger man lifted his hips. Mike moved his hands from Jesse’s ribs to his ass cheeks and pulled him up with his hands while pushing him down with his face. There was a rhythm to it but Jesse couldn't exactly tell what made it so good. He wouldn't be able to recreate it for Mike even if he was stronger and Mike was lighter. He relaxed and let him do what he was so good at doing. In the comfort and pleasure of it, Jesse drew his knees up.

“Can I?” Mike asked.

“Oh.” Jesse realized one of Mike’s fingers was really close. He returned his feet to the bed. “No. I wasn't even thinking. Sorry. It makes sense you would think that. I still don’t want to. I don’t want you to.”

“To be clear, I meant a finger.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”

Mike just looked confused. He was propping himself up between Jesse’s knees. “Does it scare you, or does it just not feel good?”

“Both. I love your asshole. I’m just . . . I don’t want you to touch mine.”

Mike climbed over one of Jesse’s legs so they were side by side. He closed his eyes and cradled Jesse’s balls in one cupped hand.

Jesse didn't want to transition to cuddling. He pushed himself up and started disrobing him. It was ridiculous that Mike was still fully dressed. While undoing buttons, he asked, “Do we have to talk about this or can I just suck you off?”

They smiled and kissed. Together, they got all six shirt buttons undone. Jesse palmed him through his pants because he loved doing that. He loved the final moments when the bulge under clothes was still mysterious and somewhat abstract. He stroked chest hair, licked scars, sucked nipples – everything he’d missed for the last few days. He straddled Mike and used both hands to undo his belt.

Tenderly, he pulled Mike’s pants off and sunk down to smell him. He was on his hands and knees perpendicular to his lover. That way if Mike wanted to continue what he’d started, he could pull Jesse’s pelvis over on top of his face. It was just polite to keep his dick within reach but not obnoxiously close.

Jesse buried his nose in scrotum. Sometimes he would get lost in the smell and pause to breathe it. There was no reason to pause. He could enjoy the smell and do things with his mouth at the same time. Licking balls was one of those things. He worked each of them and slowly made his way to the base of the cock. He sucked the area between the balls and the shaft. He remoistened his mouth and dragged his tongue all the way up. While he had his mouth full erection, he opened his eyes and saw that Mike had grasped the sheets in a fist.

“Dude, you can thrust. I’ll have my hand here. It won’t be too much.” His fingers found their place around the slippery shaft. “Go ahead.”

Jesse covered his teeth just in time. Mike didn't push into his mouth occasionally. He found a pace and pursued it. The younger guy could have pulled back but he tried to stay and take it. There was no need to stroke with his hand because Mike was the one moving. If it was it a little too much, he repositioned his hand higher.

He felt Mike touching his heel. Mike pulled on it a little when he said, “Sit on my face? I promise I’ll keep my eyes closed.”

Jesse pulled off and said, “Shuuut up,” quietly through a smile. He hid his blushing face flat down on Mike’s belly.

“It’s cute, but I won’t look at it. I promise I won’t lick anything past the taint.”

“Oh my God, Mike.”

“I said I _wouldn't_.”

“Stop talking about it already.” He gave Mike’s stomach a few little kisses while he rested and considered what he wanted.

Those strong fingers were still touching his heel. They grazed the arch of his foot, poked individual toes. When Mike spoke it softly vibrated through his chest. “I love you Kid.”

“I love you too.”

They came in each other’s hands, face to face. It was familiar and sweet.

* * *

 

 

In the morning Jesse asked Mike to find out what happened to Wendy. Mike typed on his laptop for a minute then cringed.

“What?”

Mike broke it to him. “She got arrested in Phoenix for prostitution. It’s a fifteen day sentence.”

“Well, she got out there at least. Thank God she wasn't holding.”

* * *

 

 

Mike watched Jesse changed his wallet over to his new identity.

“My guy said he could throw in a high school manuscript and letters of recommendation with real phone numbers, if you decide you want to study chemistry or art or anything else.”

Jesse was taken aback. “You mean at a college? Is your guy also going to write all the papers and take the tests for me?”

“You’re smart. If you wanted to study chemistry you’d have a huge head start.”

“Naw. I’m done with that. I want to do more woodworking. Why are you looking at me like that? You asked what I wanted to do and that’s something I’m interested in. I’ll do something else to make money.”

“At this rate, the money will be fine for years. You've never said anything about woodworking before.”

“Yeah I have, Mr. Pike and all that.”

“Was I awake when you told me about this?”

* * *

 

 

They hung out together on the second story deck overlooking the lake. Jesse practiced casting with a little lure and no hook on the line. It was harder than the how-to videos on the internet had led him to believe.

Mike sat at a safe distance with skepticism written all over his face. “Do we know if this lake has fish in it?”

“I don’t know. I’m just practicing, man. I’m broadening my horizons. Do you know anything about it?”

“It’s been years.”

“Did you ever take your son fishing?”

“No. I never took him anywhere.”

“Really? Literally never?”

“She didn't even want me sending him postcards or birthday presents. It’s not like I fought her on it. I was scared she’d talk and I hadn't wanted to get married in the first place. After she remarried, there was even less reason for me to be involved.”

“Did he look you up when he got older?”

Mike took his time answering. “When his mother died of cancer, Henry called and read me the riot act. He was just flailing; I didn't take it personally. Then a few months after that, he wanted to bond. We met face to face for the first time when he was twenty three. He said he wanted to give me a chance to defend myself because everybody in the family had always said I was gay.

“Bitch. Did you deck him?”

“No. I can’t remember what I said, probably that I didn't want to talk about it. It was fine. I didn't particularly like him, but we talked occasionally. I would run his name every now and then and see that he was doing a little time for robbery or aggravated assault. No big deal, till eleven years ago, he calls from a police station saying he needs my help getting out of an assault charge. I looked into it thinking it was another bar fight, but he was accused of raping a woman who lived in his building.”

The lake was sparkly and ringed with trees that Jesse thought of as Christmas trees. Just a few minutes before he had been thinking that it was a perfect day. He’d been thinking that they could maybe stay in Oregon a lot longer. Jesse set down the fishing pole without reeling in the line. He sat next to Mike on the cushy outdoor couch. The contrast between the view and what Mike was saying was too weird. He touched his man’s arm. Jesse had not imagined that the truth could be this bad. He had expected addiction, debt, an extramarital STD, verbal fights, and maybe at the worst, threatening or shoving. He thought the guy might have fucked up with the baby – dropped her or something. He had considered a lot of different ways someone could get on Mike’s bad side and this was worse than any of them. Mike’s only kid really was a piece of shit.

“That was Christine?”

Mike gave him the saddest smile and went on, “ . . . and Kaylee as it turned out. I had a guy fax me the police report and that was it. I was ready to have him taken out before the initial arraignment, but Eva talked me down. She said I should talk to Christine and see what she wanted to have happen. So I called her and told her my story. That I was an ex-cop, private investigator who had illegally read her report and wanted to help her in any way I could. She asked me why, of course, and I told her that he was my biological son. We talked for a long time. Not about what he did, but about me and what her options were. I came out to her in that initial conversation, which you know is something I never do. Fring gave me time off and I flew home. We met at her apartment with two of her friends there to support her and protect her if need be.”

Jesse had to ask, “You talked about murder in front of strangers?”

“They’d been friends since they were girls and she was sitting there. Christine was sitting there between the two of them crying nonstop. Murder wasn't something that they hadn't already considered.”

It was warm out but Jesse felt cold. He brought Mike’s hand up and kissed it.

Mike said, “You know how it ends.”

“Yeah. But I want to hear the middle too, if it’s not too intense for you to talk about.”

Mike went on like he’d told the story a million times, but this may have been the first time. “While I was there I got her a gun and taught her how to shoot. We put in a door limiter and window sticks, simple shit like that. I found out who was the best therapist in town and told the receptionist to send the bills to me. I gave Christine cash because she wasn't ready to go back to work. She ended up losing her dental hygienist job, or maybe she quit. I can’t remember.

“We talked around and around about it. She wanted to testify in court and see him convicted and sent to prison. She didn't want me to be there for the trial. When I left, I told her I’d keep tabs on him and we could discuss options again when he was released whether that was soon or after a sentence. Henry’s uncle, not the one I fooled around with, a different uncle, hired a defense attorney for him. He was convicted and did seven years, which was as long as we could have hoped for. He’s been back in jail for robbery since then. Right now he’s on a fishing boat in Alaska. I’m thinking about framing him for murder to keep him in prison longer.”

“You know he’s not your fault. You’re two different people.”

“I don’t feel guilty anymore that I wasn't there when he was growing up. His parents were regular people. They did better than I would have back then. But it is my fault that he’s still walking around. The more I think about it, the more I wish I’d just killed him without ever asking her. It’s just drawn out and stupid. He deserves to die. He called me thinking that I would help him. He thought I’d be on his side because they’d gone on a date.”

“Does Kaylee think her father is dead?”

“Yes. Christine was certain about that part before she even told me she was pregnant.”

“That’s cool that she moved to Albuquerque.”

“We considered a few different cities. She certainly couldn't stay in the same apartment where it’d happened. Christine’s parents are in Pennsylvania. I try to stay in my own lane, but I think initially they had wanted her to get an abortion and she held it against them. Christine and I figured out a plan that worked for both of us.”

“You would have moved to be with them?”

“Absolutely. I was optimistic about Fring’s operation growing and eventually starting domestic production, but I would have moved. I could do jobs anywhere. I just really wanted to be near the kid and be a grandfather. I don’t know. My paternal feelings didn't kick in till late in life.” Mike looked wistful. “Kaylee has my last name.”

“Yeah, I saw that on one of her pictures. What’s up with that?”

“Christine uses it too. She tells people that she’s a widow and I’m her father-in-law. I think part of it was her problems with her parents. She wanted a new name for the new start with the baby. It doesn't have anything to do with Henry. He grew up with his step-dad’s name. It’s just about the three of us.”

“When she was pregnant did you to go get her ice cream and pickles and stuff?”

“A little. She wanted Pollos Hermanos. Sometimes, if I was busy, I’d have Chris deliver it.”

“Brock loves olives and Andrea said that when she was pregnant with him, she couldn't get enough of them. Her mom got them for her in bulk, like in the enormous restaurant size cans.”

“I wish you could have everything you want, Jesse. I wish you could have them and be a father.”

“Whoa. I’m just talking. It’s not that I wish things were different. I chose you.”

Mike answered, “You’d be a good dad.”

Jesse brushed it off and asked Mike if he wanted more coffee.

The older man nodded and kissed him. Jesse made a happy humming noise and deepened the kiss. He touched Mike’s cheeks. He suppressed the urge to climb on top of the guy.

Jesse sat back and said, “Seriously, I don’t need that. I love Brock. I wish I could have spent time with Kaylee, but it’s not something I need. Just me and you alive and not in prison is better than I was expecting. It might be better than we deserve. When I first fell for you I couldn't imagine that it would be like this. That we’d be staying in a cabin at secluded lake catching tons of fish and having amazing sex in front of the fireplace.”

Mike chuckled. “Some of those things haven’t happened yet.”

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: This chapter has references to sexual violence, pregnancy resulting from rape, intrusive thoughts, and a passing mention of abortion.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading through to the end. And a big thank you for the comments and kudos. 
> 
> I'm glad I wrote this down instead of *just* daydreaming about Jesse and Mike kissing.


End file.
